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Pushy parents - a headteacher's perspective
Friday 16 September 2011
I read with interest Jojo Moyes’ article Sharp elbows to the ready – school’s starting again in last week’s Telegraph. It was an amusing but pointed account of the pressures on parents to do what they can to ensure their children are successful at school and beyond. Stories about pushy parents are not uncommon, and as a headteacher with thirty years’ experience in education I certainly recognise the type, have the tee-shirt and bear the scars. Parents who are pushy and keen to protect their children, and stick up for their children’s rights, can fall into a predictable trap.
In many altercations with very forceful and assertive – even aggressive – parents I always felt I could empathise with their desire to do what was best (or what they perceived to be best, which is not always the same thing) for the child they love and who is often the centre of their universe. As a head I often had to explain that, while understanding and sympathising with their position, my concern for the other 800+ young people in the school gave me a wider perspective and a sense of the Big Picture they sometimes lacked.
Being a supportive parent obviously involves working closely with your child’s school, particularly if difficulties are faced and there are concerns to be resolved. Sometimes parents are unhappy with the school’s stance on an issue, and they decide to go in to speak to the staff about this. They may feel anxious about ‘taking on’ the authority of the school and this can manifest itself in confrontational behaviour or language. At times, parents with a truculent teenager actually relish the opportunity to demonstrate they are on their child’s side, and to present a united front against the common adversary of the school.
But be careful. Sometimes parents in this position have only a partial understanding of what has happened, and accepting the point of view of your adolescent offspring as the one and only version of events can be a high-risk strategy. Ensuring communication is clear and that you are fully and accurately informed is an important first step. And remember that, like you, the school will care about your child, though in a rather less subjective and emotional way, perhaps. You can work together to achieve the most positive result, whatever the problem.
Your comments
Of course, Jill Berry has highlighted the real problem, which is that the Head and staff are interested in all of the children whereas we, as parents, have a duty to be interested primarily in our own child. We are not really interested in the big picture but want to make sure that our child is getting a good deal. For example, in school plays what matters to parents is that their own child has a part not that the play is as good as it could possible be. Same with sports teams. Parents are not responsible for the big picture – they only have their own child’s interests at heart.
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I completely agree with the reasoning behind the parent showing some restraint before getting into a confrontational situation. In my personal experience I have felt that at times children of parents who regularly complain end up getting a preferential treatment at school. From very simple things like becoming the class monitor or getting a lead role in a play to getting your first choice of the musical instrument somehow the children of complaining parents seem to always get what they want. I sometimes feel that maybe my kid is at a disadvantage because I don’t interfere in how the class teacher decides to manage the activities. But then I think there is a world outside the school where I will not be able to support her so she needs to learn how to get a fair share of what she deserves. Maybe being discriminated against in the school is the best way of learning the lessons of real life.