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Tigers and tantrums...
Sunday 13 February 2011
Categories: Education, Family Relationships, Parenting
Amy Chua has issued a strident challenge to the prevailing style of parenting in the western hemisphere. In her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother she writes about how she raised her two daughters along traditional Chinese lines. She set herself up as a benign dictator; she knew what was best for her children and forcefully imposed it. She controlled every aspect of their daily lives, dictating everything from the academic grades she expected of them (nothing less than As were acceptable) to their extracurricular activities which did not include sleepovers, watching TV or being in the school play. The only areas where mediocrity was acceptable were gym and drama.
Her now adult girls seem to be happy and successful, although the younger staged a significant rebellion against her mother’s methods at one point, throwing tantrums worthy of a western toddler. Amy Chua claims that the Chinese way produces high achieving, successful children while western parenting methods which focus on building a child’s self esteem lead to mediocrity.
So should parents deduce from this that she is right and that we are failing our children by indulging them? That we should return to the time when children were seen but not heard? Surely not, after all we have tried those methods and have evolved away from them. We have seen the limitations of learning without understanding, the limiting effect of imposed control rather than self control and the dangers of pressure-cooker parenting. Today’s society needs people who can think for themselves but work in teams and whose creativity enriches both their working and social lives.
What I think we can and should take from this formidable woman’s ‘call to action’ is that we need not be afraid of pushing our children, as long as the goals we set them are within their reach. And that children thrive best when set clear boundaries; they feel secure and valued and, after all, they do need something to kick against!
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One of the dangers of Amy Chua’s method of parenting is that the children might not actually enjoy the activities in which they are pushed to achieve so highly. I know too many talented musicians, who gave up after school because they put under too much pressure too young. Discipline is important and children should be taught self-discipline, but at some stage the motivation to be the best at something must come from within. I think this motivation comes from self esteem, as in, ‘I know I can do this’.
Perhaps as parents we need to strike a balance between Dragon Mom and number one fan. Children should be allowed to fail and to know how it feels to fail. It is how failure is dealt with that is crucial. Whilst failure may motivate one child to try harder next time, it could tip another child into deeper despair. This is where, as parents, we need to be there to help such a child avoid the latter. Perhaps the failure was due to lack of enough practise or revision, but perhaps it is because the child is not best suited to the activity or subject. This is how the child really gets to know him/herself, who they are, what they enjoy and what they can be good at. How can a child really know these things if achievement has been forced upon him/her.
Two examples of successful, self-motivated people: Darcy Bussell started ballet at the age of 12 or 13 because she had bad posture. Alfred Brendel’s parents weren’t at all musical, he started the piano at a similar age and was self taught to begin with. There are of course countless others. Genius comes from the heart. Of course it needs guidance and nurturing, but technical skill without passion is hollow.
It is a tough and competitive world out there and it is important for our children to learn this. A good school should provide a healthy competitive environment, whilst helping each individual find or nurture her talents and strengths.