The narcissistic years

This is the “me” stage, her Narcissistic Years. Your daughter’s world revolves around herself. Her thoughts are full of what people think of her and how she looks. She is becoming her own person, developing her own opinions and tastes. In the process of separating from you she will often take up the voices of her peers before she finds her own. Puberty wreaks havoc on the brain of your daughter and often on the peace of your home. You can feel rejected and worried by her moodiness and contrariness.

The prefrontal cortex of a girl’s brain is undergoing significant change as the synapses (connections) begin a period of rapid growth. In these years a teenager’s ability to empathise or to distinguish emotions in others declines. Hormones surge through her brain and will affect virtually everything in her life. She is trying to establish who she is as separate from you, to establish some independence and control. However as your daughter goes through puberty she will need your advice and understanding. For instance when she starts her periods, particularly if this is later than her friends, she will want your practical and emotional support. She may be dissatisfied with her newly-emerging curves and your reassurance will help her become a confident young woman.

Although she will often be awkward and unsure of herself she needs freedom to become independent but within boundaries. She needs time to herself and time with her peers. Her friendships are central to her life and her happiness. Her opinions of herself and her world will be more influenced by her girl friends’ than yours. Your daughter knows she has your love but she needs close friends to help her grow. For more on this topic see our articles on Girls’ Friendships She will probably want a boyfriend and you should negotiate acceptable rules about where and when she can see him. Open communication is very important; explain any concerns you have so she knows that your rules are because you care about her, not because you are trying to restrict her.

Your daughter’s peers are extremely important to her and she may seem to value their opinions above yours. This is where the values and rules you gave her earlier will provide a yardstick for her. She may test your boundaries but if you can keep your self control while you negotiate with her she will learn useful skills for her future.

Girls are relation beings. Paradoxically she may wish to express her individuality by slavishly following fashion and seeking peer group approval. But beneath a veneer of sophistication your teenage daughter may feel very insecure and has a continuing need for approval.