Our daughter is unhappy at her new school

Q. We have just moved our daughter aged 13 to another school where she will be challenged more academically. It was decided to do it now so she could settle in before going into Year 9. However she says she doesn’t like the school, she sits by herself, she doesn’t eat lunch as the line is too long and the food was better at her other school. She resents us particularly her father, and isn’t civil. I think it’s just an adjustment issue and will improve next term when her younger sister will also join the school, but I worry still. I don’t like to think of her on her own.

A. This is an unhappy yet common dilemma for any parent who has made that brave decision that will prove absolutely right in the longer term. It is crucial that we do not jump in ‘feet-first’ with a knee-jerk reaction in the early stages following a change of school. It is of course equally crucial that your daughter feels part of the decision for making the move and that the new school was well researched and was considered an appropriate ‘fit’ to your daughter’s abilities, talents and character.

From the outset it is important not to trivialise your daughter’s concerns; let her see that you are taking her worries seriously and appreciate her point of view. Breaking in to established friendship groups in a new school takes a great deal of courage. Who to sit by?… Who to have lunch with?… these are important issues for your daughter that impact greatly on her happiness and well-being. If your daughter is to enjoy her educational journey and achieve all of what she is capable, she has to feel comfortable and secure in her school environment. Whilst you keep positive communication channels open with your daughter let her see a strong partnership with her new school. Talk with the appropriate member of staff at school and raise the issue of lunch and queuing immediately. Ask your daughter’s Form Teacher or Pastoral Head to recommend new friends to invite home and investigate what extra-curricular activities exist to increase your daughter’s circle of friends. Monitor progress closely and agree a date later in the term to review.

When a daughter behaves in an un-civil manner towards her parents it is easy, and sometimes understandable, just to focus on the negative, reprimand and punish. Over this period of time your daughter will need the constant reassurance that the action you have taken with her schooling has been done with the very best of intention and in her best interest. Spend time with her whenever possible and take an interest in her friends, hobbies and schoolwork. Congratulate work well done; returning a positive message about the efforts your daughter is making which will nurture confidence and build greater resilience. I have known parents in similar circumstances reward their daughter’s efforts with opportunities to meet with old friends from their previous school with much success. At the same time build your daughter’s confidence by reinforcing the responsibility she will have looking after her younger sister at her new school.

When girls find themselves in situations that they find unsettling they can resort to becoming inward and quiet. Helping your daughter understand and negotiate her way through this latest ‘trial’ in her life will help her become stronger and successful both in her new school and in later life.