My daughter has changed her mind about going to university...

Q. My daughter has been offered a place at University College Oxford, which was her dream university. Now, with less than eight weeks to go, she says she can’t do it. She suffered a lot of anxiety attacks this year as her year out hasn’t gone well. How do I help her over this total fear of going away from home?

A. It sounds as if your daughter, who has clearly done extremely well, is suffering from a crisis of confidence perhaps brought on by her disappointing year out experiences. It isn’t unusual for students on the verge of their entry into Higher Education to have late stage nerves, perhaps particularly when they’ve had a year out and so haven’t been involved in formal study for some time.

She will no doubt find her anxiety compounded by the fact that she may feel she has let you down, as I’m sure you were very proud when she gained the offer of the place and then the grades to take it up. My advice would be firstly to reassure her that you fully understand this is her life and her decision, and that you will support her whatever she ultimately decides to do. You want her to be happy and fulfilled, and will work with her to find the way forward which will bring her both happiness and a sense of satisfaction.

When she is feeling calm and not too emotional about her current situation, explore with her what the alternatives to University College Oxford might be. If she doesn’t go there, then what does she wants to do, and where? Help her to research the options in an open and non-judgemental way. The Careers staff in the school she attended, or your local Careers service, may be able to help here.

If she feels that University College still IS her dream, and she can’t find more appealing alternatives, then encourage her to consider what aspects of taking up the place and moving away from home are causing her concern. Help her to see the skills and talents she has which will enable her to cope with the challenges ahead – she will have them, and the Admissions Tutors who initially interviewed her and offered her the place will have recognised this or they wouldn’t have made the offer. You need to remind her of what she has achieved in the past, the potential she has for the future, and your faith in her, in order to rebuild her confidence.

Can others help to do this? Could you contact senior staff at the school she went to, whose opinions she respects, and ask for their support? Can the College help by putting her in touch with fellow undergraduates who are either already settled there, or students like your daughter with whom she will be studying and living alongside in the autumn? Do contact the registrar at the college about this – they will be experienced in this type of situation and keen to help. Visit Oxford again – go shopping, have lunch, and remind her what it was that drew her to the city and the university originally.

Above all, try to ensure she doesn’t feel pressured into following a path which is your choice rather than hers. If she is firmly against the UC plan now, then there will be alternatives, and, with a positive outlook and support, she will make a success of whatever she chooses to do – she is clearly a bright, thoughtful and sensitive girl. I wish you well.