Dealing with disappointment

There are so many things to which we encourage our daughters to aspire: top grades, a leading part in the school play, to sing a solo in the concert; to captain the netball team, to be chosen for a school exchange, to be appointed as Head Girl, to win an essay competition. And when our daughters achieve one of these we are thrilled for them because to be the best feels great and is a vindication of all their efforts (and perhaps of our efforts too).

But what of the occasions, and there will be many, when our girls do not succeed, when their effort and ambition are met by disappointment? Supporting our young people through disappointment is every bit as important as supporting them to achieve success. In fact if we don’t manage to do the former, they may never go on to enjoy the latter.

Of course we learn to deal early on with the toddler who wants something they can’t have and, in some ways, disappointment is not dissimilar: we can’t always be first or best; let’s be realistic. But sometimes, coping with disappointment (or fear of it) in our girls can present a genuine challenge to parents.

Take the case of the girl who puts her ‘all’ into the preparation for selection, say, for a school or county team, or a position of responsibility. In spite of her very best efforts the selection goes against her. Many others in her position can be philosophical, ‘next time, maybe’. But your daughter is stunned by the outcome; she can’t understand what more she could have done, she doesn’t believe the girl who has been selected ahead of her is really any better than she is (and perhaps neither do you), she cannot understand why she wasn’t the one. She cries; she is distraught, bewildered and furious. She vows she will never try anything like this in future; it’s not fair!

We need to remember that disappointment can be like grief: an almost physical pain which threatens to be all consuming. It is therefore important not to under-estimate it, though that does not mean we should allow girls to wallow in it either.

The following ideas are drawn from some excellent advice given by an educational psychologist and I have found that they really work.

• Firstly, acknowledge your daughter’s feelings. Yes, she feels acutely upset and disappointed. Yes, she can’t understand why she didn’t succeed. Yes, she feels awful, tearful, dejected. If your daughter is telling you how she feels just nod and agree with her. Don’t (as is very natural) try to dismiss or disagree with her feelings, however much you want to convince her that she is talented and capable (e.g. ‘Darling it doesn’t matter, I still think you are wonderful.’) Of course it matters – she has been looking forward to this for weeks. And the selecting panel obviously don’t think she’s wonderful or they would have chosen her and that’s what matters! So resist the desire to contradict and reassure her. Instead, just listen.

• Then, however counter-intuitive this may seem, confirm her feelings with, ‘You must be feeling really disappointed’, ‘You must feel like your effort has not been recognised’ and then try something which articulates what she was hoping for, ‘I expect you wish they would still select you,’ ‘I expect you wish you had the part instead of Jenny’. A conversation like this acknowledges how your daughter is feeling and shows her you realise how upset she is, rather than trying to cheer her up or make her see it differently or change her feelings.

• The final stage is really empowering. Don’t tell her what to do next. Ask her what she is going to do: ‘What do you think you will do now? Is there anything you can do about this? ‘Will you speak to anyone about this?’ ‘Is there anything I can do to help you?’

After the initial experience of disappointment our job as parents and teachers is to help our girls move on. They will get over disappointment, especially if we let them by diverting them with new topics of conversation and keeping away from the sensitive issues unless they raise them again.

Because we know through experience how painful disappointment can be, it would be easy to conspire unconsciously with some girls’ natural aversion to risk-taking. This is the other great challenge that our girls’ disappointment presents us with. Why encourage her to try for the school play or to take the scholarship exam knowing how many other talented girls are trying and how unlikely she is to succeed. Why put her through it? Because it is essential that we each learn to take risks and that we are willing to face the possibility of disappointment or we will never make progress and learn new things. In fact we must encourage our girls and young women into new and challenging experiences in the full knowledge that failure will sometimes happen and is painful, but that it is also an inevitable and necessary building block for future success.