FAQs
Q1 – My teenage daughter doesn’t seem to be interested in anything very much. How can I help her develop an interest?
A1 – Be honest with yourself first of all – to what extent are you trying to turn her into someone she isn’t? If you can satisfy yourself that this is not the case, then try to establish first of all why she isn’t displaying a great deal of interest in life. Is she lacking in self-esteem, for instance? (See section on self-esteem.) Perhaps she needs you to provide a wider range of opportunities for her? (See Practical Support Strategies for Parents.) Don’t be frustrated if she doesn’t seem to take up anything you suggest – just keep going and keep being encouraging. She needs to feel that you feel that it is safe for her to fail before she will take risks. Don’t rule out a physical cause, either for her lack of interest: as a growing child, her minerals, vitamins and hormones may be out of kilter, and if you are worried, you should take her to see the doctor. Above all, though, listen to her and seek to understand her; and then be as supportive as you can.
Q2 – My daughter is coming to the end of her time at school and still doesn’t know what she wants to do in life. How can I help give her a direction?
A2 – The truth is that you can’t – but you can help her see that she has all sorts of exciting opportunities ahead of her. Try to see it positively: the older she becomes, the more self-aware she becomes, and the more likely it is that she will choose a job and way of life that is best suited to her. Careers are rarely for life these days, and there is an enormous amount of flexibility in the job market. Keep encouraging her to think, and keep giving her opportunities to meet with other people and talk to them about their jobs, careers and lives, and she will find her own direction in good time.
Q3 – My daughter is being bullied and her school isn’t doing anything about it. Where do I go from here?
A3 – It’s unclear from your question what steps you’ve already taken, but I assume you have spoken to the school staff about your concerns. If so, contact the school again, tell them the situation is still unresolved and ask to set up a meeting with relevant pastoral staff, you and your daughter. At that meeting, talk through what has happened, how your daughter is feeling, and discuss what steps both she and the school can take to help to address the issues and to move forward. The school should take responsibility for dealing with the individuals accused of bullying. You also need to recognise that your daughter needs to develop strategies for dealing with such situations (which may not be confined to the world of school – this is a skill set she will need for life) so that you work to build her resilience too. If the perpetrators are other girls, see also the ‘Girls’ Bullying’ section on this website and perhaps track down some of the work of Val Besag, which you may find helpful.
Q4 – My daughter is finding it difficult to settle at her new school. I don’t know what to do to help her. Do you have any tips?
A4 – The first thing you need to try to establish is exactly why is she unsettled and unhappy. If this is a house move and she is coping with a lot of change, the issue may be general adjustment and not specifically to do with school (although she may feel it is). If she has moved from one type of school to another (for example primary to secondary school), it may be the size of the school and the difference in routines, such as having so many different teachers and needing to take increased responsibility for personal organisation, which she is finding challenging. Does she feel out of her depth academically and so need more support with schoolwork? Or is this all about friendships, which girls tend to feel considerably more anxious about than boys at this stage? It is important that you encourage your daughter to talk about exactly when she feels most anxious – is it the journey to school? Deciding who to sit with and talk to when she arrives each day? How she spends her break and lunchtime? Homework? Then talk to the school staff and enlist their support. If they are aware of exactly how she is feeling, they will be better able to help her – perhaps by allocating her a ‘buddy’, an individual pupil who can take particular responsibility for looking after her until she has found her feet. Don’t give up – and don’t be tempted to let her stay home to avoid the problem. With your support, and the school’s, she can get through this.
Q5 – My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd and we constantly argue about this. How can I get through to her?
A5 – You need to be able to identify why you feel this is ‘the wrong crowd’ and to try to see how your daughter’s perception, and yours, might differ. How well do you know them and is there any way you can get to know them better? If you do get to know them better and you still feel they have a negative influence on her, all you can do is explain to your daughter, as unemotionally as you can, the nature of your concerns. If her friendship with the group is making her unhappy or putting her at risk in some way, then she may be receptive to what you have to say. If neither of these is true, then ask yourself why you are so worried. Difficult though it may be to accept, parents can’t dictate their children’s friendship choices, much as they might like to. This is her life and she has to make her own decisions, and sometimes her own mistakes. All a loving and responsible parent can do, like a good school, is to give children a framework within which to make these choices, decisions and mistakes, and support them when they get things wrong. You will love her anyway. Just make sure she knows this.
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