A question of trust - an issue with teenagers

Q. My 15 year old daughter now has an extensive network of friends extending across various private schools (thanks to facebook). This has resulted in increased pressure from her to ‘do’ the things that they (apparently) are allowed to do and we have trusted her with some of these activities but not allowed her to do others (e.g staying out at 11pm in local woods). A recent event (which could involve the police) revealed that our daughter has systematically lied to us about everything she has been doing, and where she has been. She continues to not tell us the truth. How can I persuade her that honesty is always the best policy?

A. This is one of those situations where you need to be firm, strong and very, very clear with your daughter. At best she has twisted the truth and been misguided in her friendships; at worst she has put herself into very real danger, and you need to show her this. One of the most important things we teach our children is that actions have consequences. She has lied to you, and the consequence of this is that now you cannot trust her to do what she says she is doing, until she has proven that she can be trusted again.

You should consider restricting her outings, activities, allowance and access to the internet/phone etc with immediate effect – she needs to realise again that you are the parent in your relationship and that you have the capacity to require her to act and behave in certain ways for her own good. If this sounds rather draconian, then remember that you are not doing this in perpetuity, and you will of course explain to her why you are doing this. You do however need to re-establish the boundaries within which she can live and play safely, and she may need this shock to let her see how close she has come to damaging herself, her future and her life.

I am sure that you have already had many of these conversations, and you may not feel as though they have any effect, but do persist. It is very possible to say to our children that we love them deeply, but that we do not like what they are doing, nor will we accept it, and these messages do go home, although don’t expect your daughter suddenly to see the errors of her ways, or, in fact, to want to do things exactly the way you want her to. There will still be negotiation and there will still be discussion, and, certainly, you need to allow her to be able to redeem herself and start out afresh … but you need to make the boundaries very, very clear. Truth, honesty and safety – these are essentials on which you cannot compromise.

If it is any consolation at all, you are not alone in this – teenagers have to test rules and boundaries to help them establish who they are, and every parent will have a similar or related experience at some point. This said, it is our role as parents and schools to make sure that we bring our experience to bear in showing our children the right direction. It is a hard and often thankless task in the short – and even medium – term, but it will be worth it eventually. Good luck.