Helping your daughter to worry less...

Q. How can I help my 8 year old daughter stop worrying? She becomes anxious over minor things, and gets very distressed, quite unnecessarily.

A. Your daughter needs lots of reassuring at this stage – please let her know that she can come to you at any stage and you will always listen to her sympathetically and attentively – and never dismiss her worries – she needs to know that you are taking her seriously!

However I think it would be good to try and help her to grade these concerns into levels of seriousness – and also levels of importance. What seems minor to an adult can well seem major to a child – so she needs help in unpicking some of these concerns and trying to downgrade them.

Clearly, areas such as worrying about the colour of her eyes/hair or her height are things she cannot change – nor should she want to – so building up her self esteem and confidence are important here.

Similarly, if she is worrying about her appearance – even a minor part of it – this is a matter of perception – and awareness of her appearance shows she is growing up as well as that she is becoming aware of this as an important area. Think about what she is exposed to – on the television, in the media, in conversations you may have at home – is she mirroring what you are saying about these issues in an attempt to appear grown up? Think carefully about the terminology you use – and how she may be turning that on herself – and discuss these things with her. If you talk a lot about peoples’ appearances then she will assume that this is important and that she should be doing so as well – and this might cause her to worry about her own appearance, especially at a time when she is growing and starting to change – and she can’t control it!

If she is worrying about friends or school issues then again discuss them with her and try to reassure her – divide her worries up into what she can do something about and what she doesn’t need to do anything about – and the things that she can’t solve such as global warming, animal extinction, cruelty to children etc. There is a lot in the media about such issues – evenings such as Children in Need are excellent but will raise the profile of the terrible conditions that some children have to endure – and this again may well worry her if she is sensitive. Clearly you do not want to come across as uncaring “you can’t do anything about it so just forget about it” but you also want her not to worry excessively about the plight of others. Reassurance that there are lots of agencies out there to help these people, combined with a healthy and appropriate desire to raise funds perhaps to support these agencies will help her to empathise and act but not to worry unduly.

Life is tough when you are growing up, whatever your circumstances – it is the first time for the children that they are experiencing these changes – so it is inevitable that they will worry, especially if they are sensitive – and particularly if they are girls! So lots of support, reassurance, spending time listening to her and encouraging her are what I would recommend – as well as keeping an eye on what messages you are giving her – often without realising – and what she is seeing around her.