Letting go - gap years & university

It will seem no time at all since you held that baby girl in your arms, took her for her first day at school, supported her through GCSEs, AS levels and A levels and suddenly the end is in sight. That little girl is about to fly the nest, move into the adult world on her own and step out of your protection and control. She thinks she is completely grown up and is excited about the next move. Her confidence will be high, although she may have some moments of doubt and fear of the unknown, she will be unlikely to admit them openly until the time to leave gets close, if at all. Try to remember how you felt at the same stage.

The best way you can help your daughter is to be excited for her and with her on this new adventure and phase of her life. Wherever she is going she will be changed by the experience and will grow up whilst she is away. The person who returns is still your daughter, but she will have had to make choices and decisions for herself, find new friends, live on her own, have had her own experiences, some of which you would not wish to know about and, if you did know, would rather she hadn’t had….

There is a lot you can do to prepare her for this move in advance. Discuss with her the issues of drugs, alcohol, contraception and keeping safe. Rehearse situations with her; ‘what would you do if?’ Try to let these conversations arise naturally in the months before she leaves, (easier said than done) or your daughter will immediately switch off and dismiss your concerns airily. The night before departure is not the time to go through all these things; that night she will need all your confidence in her ability to cope, you should have been preparing her for months before. There is, however, a fine line between sensible preparation and sapping her self confidence, or projecting your own worst fears onto her. Your own worst fears are unlikely to materialise; fortunately rape and murder are still rare and with modern technology the global world has become a smaller place. If your daughter is going off to University remember she is now a young adult; her University will not communicate with you if she is falling behind with her work, is in deep debt or doing brilliantly, but only with her.

Most people make friends quickly when they go away, even if those friends do not last beyond the first term of University or to the next stop off in Gap year travel, but there is safety in numbers. Universities now hold briefing sessions for new students, telling them where it is not safe to wander and many also run late night buses for students. Talk to your daughter about going out in a group and taking it in turns for one person to stay sober to keep an eye on the rest and make sure everyone sticks together and gets back safely. Tell her always to trust her instincts. If she feels uneasy or uncomfortable, she is always better getting herself out of the situation.

If your daughter is going on a gap adventure, look at the foreign office website and read as much you can about the countries she is visiting with her. Make sure she has any injections required and take advice on equipment such as rucksacks and the safest way to carry money, as well as any cultural differences she needs to be aware of. Make sure you can get money to her quickly in an emergency and encourage her to keep a blog and use e-mail to keep in touch with you. The blog will provide a wonderful memory for her on her return and reassure you whilst she is away.

Once she has gone there will be a huge void in your life, particularly if she is the last to leave home. Teenage girls are wonderful company even when they are asserting their independence, being stroppy, playing their music at full blast or arguing about what time they have to be in at night. They talk constantly and you will miss her presence terribly when she first leaves. It will be like a bereavement as she is no longer in the house. You need to plan for this and move on to the next stage of your own life, as she may never live full time at home again. Her father may have more fears about her safety than anything else, as he will feel unable to protect her from the unsuitable men she is bound to meet and he will remember himself at that age. You will miss her constant chatter. Remember there are advantages for you, you have your freedom and do not have to consider her at every moment. She is launched into the world and has her own life to lead, her own decisions to make. She is a young adult. Your job is done.