First steps to independence...is she ready, and are you?

Q. My daughter will be starting senior school in September, but is already asking to go on solo trips to the shops or funfair and other activities with her friends. I think she is still too young but other parents are clearly allowing it. Am I being over-protective?

A. It can be difficult to know how to respond when your daughter asks you a seemingly straight forward question for the first time, such as “can I go to the cinema with my friends?” or “can I have a Facebook account?” In your opinion, it feels too soon but you know that your daughter’s friends are already doing these things. You do not want your daughter to be isolated because she can’t join in with her friends, yet bowing to peer pressure on everything is not necessarily the best way forward.

Depending on the nature of the request, consider whether it is something you feel so strongly about that it really is non-negotiable at the moment. If so, it is helpful for you to know exactly why this is and for you to articulate these reasons to your daughter. Your daughter knows that she will have to accept your final decision on some things, however, it can often be the case she is quite relieved you have said no as she might not feel ready to do certain things, but peer pressure makes her feel she should at least try!

However, there may be other issues where you feel able to meet her half way. For example, you might feel uncomfortable about your daughter going to cinema with her friends because of the location of the cinema, or because public transport is not easy. There may be a way to compromise so that your daughter feels that you are attempting to find a solution, as well as understanding why you are concerned. Establishing ground rules at home for the whole family, such as calling when arriving at a destination and giving an expected return time, will reassure you as to her whereabouts; she will do it automatically because it is what everyone in the family does all the time.

Parents often find that starting senior school is one of the most difficult times to let go. Everything is very different for you too; you do not see the class teacher at the beginning and end of the day and it can feel like you are sending your daughter into a ‘black hole’. This is often compounded because you get very little feedback from your daughter as to how she feels things are going. Be reassured that this is normal and it is the start of your daughter seeking out more independence for herself and school is now becoming her world. Senior schools do try to find as many ways as possible to communicate with parents so you will find it helpful to find out who is your point of contact if you do have any questions.

Generally speaking, girls take their new found independence in their stride. Having explored all the options and set out clear ground rules, it is up to us as parents and teachers to find the courage to let girls have a go and try things out for themselves.