Why does my 11 year old daughter keep over-reacting?

Q. I have an 11 year old daughter who is, for the most part, an absolute delight.  However, increasingly she seems to over-react to any kind of instruction.  For example, the very mention of homework can result in her covering her ears and running from the room.  She is also an expert on pressing the guilt button.  When asked to feed the cat/set the table/put her clothes away, I am subjected to ‘I was really happy then and you have to ruin it’.  I keep telling myself this is a phase but it’s exhausting and I’m losing my temper more often than I would like.  Any advice?

A. Your daughter, at age 11, has presumably just moved into year 7. It is an immense change, whether she is moving to a big new school peopled by giants, after being the oldest group in her primary school, or whether she has moved up into the senior school of an all-through school. At this stage, she may well feel it is all too much; teachers are telling her how to do everything; it is hard to remember it all, however organised she is. So she probably doesn’t want any more reminders from her adults at home. Your description sounds as though she is feeling under a good bit of strain at the moment, so she snaps at you. Perhaps she does not think she is good enough to reach the standards expected of her, about which she is not even clear.
 
There is a lot you can do to help:
Firstly, remember that she would like everything to be calm and nice too, just as you do, but she can’t help herself. You may feel the same way, but she will be finding it harder – she is still a child. She may be starting the changes of puberty, which makes everything much more complicated as the hormones start to rage, and she longs to be in control but knows she is not, and seems to have lost the security of her younger childhood.
 
Secondly, contact the school and let them know that she is finding life hard, and check that all is well during the day. If they say she is fine, then you will at least be reassured by that.
 
Third, wait until a day when there is no school, and you have a little time, and have a treat. You could try a favourite meal, or take her out, or whatever you are sure she would enjoy. Talk to her – tell her how proud you are of her, how well she is managing – think of all the best things about her and what a delight she normally is about the home, and tell her;  don’t be shy – heap on the praise! Tell her seriously how much you love her, and that you love her for being her, not because she is clever or pretty or helpful of anything like that, but because she is your daughter – you have always loved her and you always will. This will  delight her, however she reacts, and will fill your heart with warmth too. Then  you could say that you have noticed that sometimes she seems a bit tense, and you know that you react badly to that, and will try not to in future, but does she have any suggestions as to how things could go better? Tell her that you have been a bit tired recently and it has probably made you snappy, and you are sorry as that is not how you usually feel. This helps her see that she may be tired too, and it is not the end of the world. Apologies are good. The advantage of taking her out is that she is unlikely to sweep out and rush to her room if she gets upset; you may need to take hankies.
 
On a practical level:

• Try having extra slots on her timetable which cover the time in half hour sections before and after school. Get her to write in the times she will be doing her homework, and the times she has family meals, along with any music practice or other activities. Tell her she can ask for help if she is stuck, but otherwise you leave it to her and her teachers. Then leave the weekends and any empty slots free of any nagging if you can, and show her that it is all under control.

• Try to have a regular, reliable family meal in the evening, or if that is not possible ensure she has eaten something healthy and  has had some liquid as soon as she gets home from school.
   
• Once homework is done (as early as possible), she should then pack her bag for the next school day, and forget all about it. The next school morning just requires her to pick it up as she goes out of the house.

• If she is not doing her share of household chores, then do ask her to help and  do it with her if necessary – make it clear you are not her slave, but you are happy to help if she is feeling a bit tired – in other words, be as saintly as you can manage for a bit, but don’t let her off the hook by doing things for her entirely!

You will, I am sure, soon learn how to separate the tired and emotional daughter from the delightful one, and treat each appropriately, as if there are several years between them! Stick to family rules of behaviour, and set meal times and enough sleep without the distraction of TV or computer or a mobile phone in her room until she is more settled in herself, but be prepared to help her out.
In time the frequency of sunnier moods should increase, which often indicates an older, more mature mood as well as a happier one.

Do also have a read of our related article: The changing relationship between Mums & daughters