My 7 year old is always day dreaming!

Hi. I would like to reassure you….our third daugter is very forgetful and disorganised, even when she really tries or knows somethingis important. She is now 14, but still, despite trying all sorts of strategies such as lists, alarms on her mobile phone, texting her, writing on her hand, she still forgets all manner of things. The solution has been to check she has what she needs as she goes out the door (with a list for her to refer to on the inside of the coat cupboard door, if no one is around to prompt her), doing prep at school as much as possible….using the stay in for break system does help them focus, I agree. Recently, her sister rang home to be collected from a train….and our youngest said she would pass the message on to my husband. She promptly forgot! Our eldest is so used to her poor short term memory that she also texted my husband….so was not left alone at the station for hours! However, the real problem lies with the fact that she is dyslexic. When learning difficulties and slow processing only in certain subjects (the more literary ones)became more evident, we had an Ed Psych report done…and she proved to be classically dyslexic. Like your daughter, she is very able creatively and has no problem concentrating in Art or when doing kinesthetic learning, such as a physics experiment. Dictation, reading out loud, foreign languages or essay writing are all areas where she has had to really struggle to cope at all. Dyslexics are good at coping strategies to cover up their difficulties and, when not so tired, manage to do very well; however they have to work so hard to keep up in some areas that they become demoralised and so tired: hence the appearance of ‘switching off’ that they are so often described as doing. I recognised so many aspects of our daughter’s behaviour in the behaviour you describe…….so I suggest you get an Ed Psych report as soon as possible. Ask around friends first to get a recommendation. You will be suprised how many children have such assessments and benefit wonderfully from receiving learning support. Dyslexia is no longer regarded as a disability in the same way that it was and teachers are receiving much more CPD on the subject. Once they learn how to unloch a dyslexic child’s potential, it is very rewarding to teach them,as they progress rapidly. Good luck.

Alexandra Whitman

I had to laugh when I read your problem, not nastily, but out of recognition. You dont say if this is your first child but you dont mention any other. We have two and we felt similar to you with our first and then, eight had half years later we had our second.
By then we were older and wiser and we had a very different perspective. We now wish we had not got so wound up about our first or put pressure on her to grow up and take responsibility so soon. We are older parents and at 7, no one expected us to take responsibility for anything much. Our job was to play, we were nagged through homework but did it and often daydreamed in class because actually we would rather have been playing.

In this country, there has been an increasing trend to expect enormous amounts from young children which is actually quite unfair and inappropriate. We are often made to feel inadequate by rather competitive other parents who apparently have all singing all dancing children displaying skills and responsibilities which used to be expected of 11yr olds. These children dont always thrive in the long term.

Look abroad, kids start school later as people think they should be playing and learning social skills. We are 20th in the world league table for education of the industrialised countries….Finland who doesn’t send kids to school till 7 are 2nd.

With our first child we got caught in the trend and worried an tried desperately to create this prematurely organised and responsible child…the result is quite an anxious and lacking in confident 16 yr old. Whilst she does OK, we now wish we had just let her get there when she felt confident and willing to do so. She’s fine but we could have done it better, she’s often anxious not to meet expectations, and that was our fault, she simply wasn’t ready…but she would have been given time. Besides the time slips by so fast and there is soooo little time to play and be in a dream world.

With our second child we have gone out of our way to clear as much of his time as possible to allow him to be a child. We know that when he is ready he will take control from us and send us on our way. And he does. We have just let the process happen. Because we are in no hurry, he is not stressed and he does things in his own time. His confidence is higher and he is a happy 8yr old. Yes, I do a lot of the things you do, yes he has to be nagged to dress, eat, put on his shoes etc…he doesn’t finish all assignments in class, but overall it’s getting better as he becomes ready. (On the assignment front, you should get help from the school. Our teacher makes them finish off work they should have done in class during break if they have been messing about. Not if they were doing their best. It only takes a few missed breaks for them to get working in class. Similarly, she told me homework should take 15-20mins. She asked me to let him come home, have a quick snack and settle down and then to time him. She said after 15mins to draw a line wherever he has got to and write a smiley face if he was working well, or a sad face if he was messing about. If there was a sad face, he worked at it in break the next day……immediate result!!!-actually he got the message the first time.)

Children are different and I wouldn’t want to advise you but I would only ask you to remember how young she is. Star charts can work for some things but you do have to be consistent and keep to firm rules about how to get the stars. Teacher support will help too but don’t rush her to a level of responsibility she isn’t ready for. Seven is very very young. They all mature at slightly different rates…some not till secondary school. With interested, loving parents who are motivated and setting a good example, the likelihood is she will end up much like yourselves.
All the best.