My daughter and I are fighting about her mobile phone habits!

Q. My daughter has recently upgraded her phone to all singing and dancing – it was a great offer coinciding with a birthday. But, she spends a huge amount of time texting and ‘facebooking’ (if that is now a verb), possibly to the detriment of homework and certainly her social life at home. I have since instigated a new scheme whereby the phone has to stay in the kitchen after school where she can monitor it as much as she likes. She had been taking it to bed. There seems to be a culture in our young teenagers of feeling that they need to reply to messages instantly. I have explained that the beauty of messaging is that you can reply when it is convenient and that you don’t need to be a slave to the phone…or friends. I have tried also to instill that it is polite to give your undivided attention to the person you are with and so the phone should really be ignored when you are spending time with someone else. The backlash has been pretty unpleasant with relentless accusations that I don’t love my daughter, that I want her to have a miserable time, don’t want her to have friends etc…. It’s getting pretty tiresome and I’m wondering if it’s worth all the trouble! I would welcome any advice.

A. There are two issues to this problem. Firstly, the behaviour… you don’t say how old your daughter is, but I am presuming early teenage. Many parents will tell you this is common behaviour for a teen and that the aim to make you feel uncomfortable is just one of many ‘tools in their arsenal’. There are also comparisons to other friends’ mothers (‘I wish you weren’t my mother’) and allowed behaviour (‘everyone else is doing it’), as well as the emotional blackmail of ‘I hate you’ or ‘you can’t love me’. These tactics may be used for any and every activity where you will challenge her in the future, whether this is over clothes, make-up, friends (girls and boys), going out, curfew, and so on.

If your daughter believes she can make you change your mind with these tactics, then you will potentially have them used against you at every future opportunity. Just like a toddler her behaviour will adapt to achieve the outcome she wishes. You, therefore have to be cleverer in the tactics you use, and reward or praise good behaviour and ignore the bad behaviour. This may mean that you will allow her to ‘bend your rules’ at times, but only when she has earned it! And remember you are her parent, not her best friend.

Secondly, the problem itself: you are correct, young people do have to learn the etiquette of good manners and time-keeping and both parents and teachers have to lead the way. Your rules about the phone are not draconian, but measured and reasonable – please be re-assured by this. If you can speak to her friends’ parents at some point and agree times of messaging this may help, as well as reassure yourself that you are not alone. Also make sure you are up-to-date with the technology she is using, so you can discuss the dangers from a knowledgeable standpoint.