My daughter's boyfriend is taking over her life...

Q. My daughter has a boyfriend who has completely taken over her life. She doesn’t see any of her school friends socially which means that she now feels ‘isolated’ at school which has led to truanting. The school have been very understanding but I am afraid that they will eventually lose patience. The Teachers have given her a lot of support and she was given a lot of work to catch up on over the summer. I was hoping that the summer vacation would give time for her to re-connect with her friends but instead it has made the position worse! She self harms which, coupled with the fact that she is incredibly emotional, makes trying to have a sensible conversation about any of the issues leads to shouting, slammed doors and her storming out of the house.
She has now started her GCSE year (Year 11) and keeps trying to re-assure me that she will work hard, but I have heard these promises before which have been broken every time. Any suggestions on how to handle this going forward?

A. I think you need to engage external help in the form of counselling, as this is not really about your daughter’s boyfriend, but rather more about how she feels about herself and her life – her lack of self-love – and neither you nor she are going to be able to resolve this situation alone. How, though, can you make your daughter see a counsellor? Go to the school again first, and talk about the issues that most concern you. You certainly need the school to adopt a tougher line with your daughter, to help support you – they should be less understanding about the truanting, and more insistent upon her following the rules; if she truants, she should make the time up – she has to see that her actions have consequences. Do the school know about your daughter’s self-harming? If not, you should tell them – many schools have a policy of not permitting pupils to be in school if they self-harm until they have a proper counselling course in place to support them and help them recover, and you need all the pressure you can find to bring to bear on your daughter to ensure that she sees a proper counsellor – sometimes the threat of not being allowed in school can be enough of a shock to make girls toe the line in this respect. You may have found yourself in the past apologising for your daughter’s behaviour to the school, and asking for their forgiveness and understanding, and they may have taken their lead from you; now, however, is the time for firm boundaries, which your daughter will actually crave, and together you are stronger. Moreover, the school may have some good ideas about potential counsellors experienced in dealing with teenagers; failing this, ask your GP (although an NHS referral can take weeks or months, and ideally you need her to see someone sooner). Don’t blame yourself – teenagers are complex beings, and she needs someone who is trained to help her see why she is behaving in the way she is, and to help her address how she feels. This is worth investing in – and now.