One of my twin daughters is loving her gap year, the other is unhappy at Uni!

Q. My 18 year old identical twin daughters have just gone their separate ways – one to a gap year which she is very much enjoying, and the other to university a long way from home where she is very miserable. She spent the first week shut in her room, not taking part in any freshers’ week activities and not eating because she’s too shy to go to the dining hall on her own (although we’ve paid for catered accommodation). She’s met a few people but never spends long with them because they want to go out and she doesn’t, or because she’s “lost” them on the way to the Student Union etc. Today she missed a test because she couldn’t find it. She’s very bright, has excellent exam results, and has always seemed confident, but she’s never had to do anything on her own before. What’s the best way to support her and to make sure that she takes care of herself?

A. It may not be easy, but you need to try to stand firm and not encourage your daughter to come home for now because she may well not go back. This will be very hard for you both, and your feelings are naturally heightened by the knowledge that her twin is getting on so well on her travels. Bear in mind that it will always be worse when you speak to your daughter because she will naturally unload all her misery to her Mum, leaving you with all her worries. Unfortunately mobile phones and Skype are not helping you in this situation – levels of communication are so much greater than they might have been in the past, that you can find yourself sharing every moment of her situation, and as her Mum your instinct is of course to look after and protect your daughter in any way you can.

What you can do to help is alert the University as to how unhappy your daughter is. There should be mentors in the Hall of Residence and in the subject department. You could suggest to your daughter that she make use of the Pastoral Service at the University but also inform them yourself anyway. It is a fine judgement between severe homesickness and real depression, and in this particular situation is no doubt exacerbated by the separation from her twin sister. When your daughter comes home at Christmas suggest that when she goes back in January she should try taking it one week at a time. It may be a cliche, but time really is a great healer and you could always offer that if she is still really unhappy by the end of the first year she could see about a transfer to a University nearer home. Hopefully her situation will have resolved itself by then, but it is worth looking into if your daughter’s situation does not improve.