My daughter wants more privacy...

Q. My 13 year old daughter has asked me about her right to privacy. I have always knocked on her door and asked if I can come in but now she is insisting that I never go in her room whether she is there or not. I can see it from her point of view; that it is her sanctuary, her space, and somewhere she can escape to, so in a way I agree with her. However I am concerned about the practicalities of such an arrangement, like tidiness and clean washing.
Also, how on earth do I make it sound like we are trying to work as a team and she is not getting it all her own way? We are having more frequent rows as she is trying to push the boundaries for her own advantage…

A. Privacy is always a difficult issue and one where there has to be a fine balance. You want to encourage your daughter to feel comfortable in her own room, and of course you quite rightly recognise the need for her to have her own space but, at the end of the day, she is a child and also she is your responsibility. At the age of 13 she is still a child in many ways but she will have many of the feelings of a young adult and be trying to assert herself as such. We only have to look at some 13 year old girls when they are dressed up to go out to see how much older they can look and it is often this which encourages them to try and behave like much older girls.

I think that you need certain ground rules and she needs to accept them. It is up to you whether you establish them from the start (you are her parent and she is living in your house, she has to accept and respect that) or whether you negotiate them with her (decide what you want to achieve then start with higher expectations, with a view to her feeling she has gained ground when you agree on what you actually wanted in the first place – it is simple diplomacy and negotiating tactics).

Regarding tidiness, again you need to agree on what is “tidy” – clearly wet towels on the floor is not, but her idea of a “tidy” bedroom in other respects may be different from yours and you might well be able to negotiate – after all, it is her space. Try to differentiate between what really matters (wet towels, decaying food) and what is less important (dirty clothes dropped on the floor or papers in a pile etc). Get her to take some responsibility such as emptying her waste bin, putting clothes out for washing – maybe giving her her own washing bin to use?

Regarding working as a team, pick your moment for discussing with her how she thinks this can be achieved. She is looking to you for guidance – at the end of the day you are her parent and she knows that – but she is trying to cope with growing up and will appreciate being involved in the planning for the future. These discussions are good to have when she is receptive and feeling positive about life, so time it carefully! Also try to be positive in what you say – choose your words carefully and think about how you phrase things so she can’t pick you up on them later – “you’re always telling me off”… Try also not to get angry because it just show that you have lost control – perfectly justifiably I am sure but nevertheless you need to try and maintain control. If in doubt, walk away and give yourselves some space and “time out” – then try again later.

I hope this helps and good luck!