Pushing the boundaries...
Q. My 12 year old daughter is leading me to the end of my tether. She had always been fiery, but the last few months it has been getting worse. My partner and I have tried all ways with her – from grounding her and taking away all privileges, to allowing her to do ‘what she wants’ within reason. She slams doors, throws things around, talks to us like we are beneath her and we owe her! I don’t know what to do any more and sit most nights in tears, although I will not show her how she makes me feel. I tell her I love her, hug her and if she does well at school, praise her. Please help me.
A. It is always a bit of a shock when children start to behave in ways that seem alien and entirely at odds with the person we thought they were becoming – that nice linear progression from baby to toddler to well-adjusted young person. Such are the realities of the early teenage years, and it is important to take comfort from the fact that this is entirely normal. With the onset of puberty, so many changes are taking place in a young person’s body, from hormones to brain growth, that it is unsurprising that they can feel out of control, and often subconsciously fearful and anxious, and that this therefore translates into extremely challenging behaviour.
The first step for parents, then, is to recognise this, and to prepare as best possible to have the resources at hand to deal with it, the most important of which is patience. This phase will last some time, and you will need the strength to recognise that it is not your fault, but a natural process. Make sure that you have enough time for yourself so that you can be measured in your approach to your daughter.
This does not mean, however, that you should be relaxed in allowing her to behave however she wants; on the contrary, she needs boundaries now more than ever before. Think of her as a toddler again – a very apt analogy, because she is just for the first time exploring the capacities of her new, growing and changing, mind and body, which are all strange to her. Do think carefully about these boundaries, though – she needs boundaries to keep her safe and well, but will need the space to explore in other ways too, so rules that you used to have may no longer be appropriate. Decide which are the important rules and be very consistent – if she breaks them, then she has to know what the consequences will be, and you must follow through on them.
Above all, take every opportunity you can to praise your daughter, and show her that you love her. Don’t expect this necessarily to be reciprocated at this stage – but it will strike home. And do enlist the help of many other people, as teenagers need a range of adult mentors to help give them guidance, to help them understand the world around them and to help them find their place in it. Talk to your daughter’s school – you will probably find that she is a model pupil, but sharing the experiences that you are having at home will help the school look for ways to support your daughter emotionally. This is not failure as a parent – on the contrary, it takes a village to raise a child, and if you are facilitating this, then you are doing something very positive for your daughter.
I recommend that you look at Ken and Elizabeth Mellor’s excellent book, Teen Stages (Finch Publishing, 2004), in which the authors describe a range of positive strategies that you can use to help guide your early teenager through the next few years. Don’t be put off by the fact that they attribute the stages to slightly older ages (eg 13-14); girls grow up quickly now, and you are wise to be a step ahead.
Parenting a teenager – from early to late stages – is probably one of the most challenging tasks we ever do. I wish you the very best of luck.
This article was written by Dr Helen Wright on 22/10/2009
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Your comments
I found that my daughter had other adults to talk too. I made sure that I did not pry into what was discussed, but although wary to start with I knew they were parents themselves so I decided to just be glad that my daughter was talking to someone. In my situation my daughter loved her piano teacher and harp teacher. Not much playing went on!!
Also I have found that ‘roadtrips’ ( from a few minutes to a few hours) were good times. You are both looking through the window – there is little eye contact music in the background and the occasional scrap of info would come out. Sometimes my daughter would start a conversation with ‘I don’t want your opinion, but I want to tell you something’ So I would listen and say nothing. Just remember it’s a big experiment on your daughter’s behalf and your own – you are both feeling your way. No rules just hang in there. I did find it useful that I had a long chat with my daughter just before the full onset of ‘teen-rage’ and discussed my boundaries and how she might want to step over them and what it might be like and how we might think about solving things. It just put my boundaries out there for her so that she knew her starting point. I think that’s important. ultimately it’s different for everyone. BUT it is important that your love is unconditional. I once asked my daughter why she shouted at me and not at someone else she said, ‘cos I know you will always love me – whatever’ Hmm yes it is true though even if it is tough love.
My daughter is nearly 16 and the attitude is still going on. I ask when it will end, perhaps I have not set enough boundaries! She wants to be an adult but also when things go wrong she tells me she is only 15! When will it end?
I take heart from the comments above. My daughter is just 13 and is having a lot of rages and is very angry. She is directing this at me mainly – attacking me over perceived “babyish” bedtimes – but she also says her life is terrible, that she has no friends.
I feel sad for her and worried but also rather powerless to help her because whatever I try or say seems to inflame her even more. I am talking to her school and they have said she can talk to the school counsellor, which I hope might help. Any more tips out there?
I am in a very similar situation with my 12 year old daughter. It is lovely to see her beginning to grow up and become a bit more independent but she can also be extremely rude. My patience is not the best so when she is ‘pushing the boundaries’ we usually end up having a row largely because I wasn’t able to handle the situation well. The above advice is very encouraging and has reminded me to persevere – I wasn’t particularly nice at 12 and actually my daughter is a lot more affectionate and enthusiastic about things than I ever was at her age. I’ll grit my teeth and do my best to help her through the teenage years.
On this website there is another good and interesting article to read “The narcissistic years” 11-16 yr olds
My daughter went through that stage, she is 14 yrs old now and has calmed down. It was very hard on me but I learned to deal with it. Remember their hormones are going plus the body and mind change. I started to ignore the slamming the doors, throwing fits etc. Still always said good night and told her I love her (became unhuggable too which killed me!) Yes it is hard not to react to the situation but she will grow out of that phase. So far my daughter has been good since she turned 14, (knock on wood) hope it stays that way. I also try to remember what I was like at her age.
Just give her some space, I am 12 myself and when my parents left me alone for a while I began to feel better towards everyone.
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As a parent one should not have to accept being treated badly. In fact I think it is unhelpful for your daughter’s future relationships that she should learn it is ok to treat badly people close to her. I taught my daughter that behaving decently led to my being more willing to do her favours such as giving lifts late at night or extending mobile phone credit.
Therefore it is important to set boundaries which are clear and understood. I chose boundaries which were more restrictive than I really needed because when circumstances dictated I could relax them a little without feeling infringed upon.
My daughter felt I was doing her a favour and I knew my ‘real’ boundaries were not crossed.