Teenagers and staying up late
Q I know when the school year starts again in a couple of weeks, I will have the normal battle with my 14 year old daughter over her bedtime. Last term on a schoolnight her bedtime was 9 pm, being allowed a further 15 minutes to read (and nothing else) before lights out. She says this is too early and her friends stay up later, but believe me she needs her sleep. At weekends and holidays her bedtime is extended by about an hour but never any later than 10.30, again she says it is too early. I am wondering if you could offer any advice or if there are any guidelines that are laid down for such issues and if you think I am being unreasonable? Just a thought, have boarding schools a set bedtime for each year group or do they all differ, maybe they could offer some advice too? Any help will be greatly appreciated.
A The Head of Boarding at one of the leading girls’ independent schools tells me that their Year 9s go to bed at 9.30 with Lights Out at 9.45. Year 10s go 15 minutes later and Year 11s 15 minutes later again. Their Sixth From have to be quiet and in their rooms by 11 pm. Boarders are reminded that because they’re busy all day working, singing, playing, talking, etc. they need to have sufficient sleep to do the same again the next day. Perhaps you could share this info with your daugther. My source added “enforcing a bedtime strictly is not sensible, anymore than ‘forcing’ a girl to study or to eat. Overall I’m sure the girls are not asleep at Lights Out but estimate that most nights most girls are sleeping within half an hour of that”. I hope this helps.
It is so important to encourage girls to take care of themselves and to develop good habits of eating, sleeping and exercising. All parents are told that “all my friends” go to bed later, get more pocket money, are allowed out more etc……and that’s probably what we told our parents! But a parent’s responsibility is to guide their children until they are sufficiently mature to act responsibly.
Your comments
My daughters are 13 and 15, and I do insist on set bedtimes even at weekends and feel it is very important for them. On school nights my 13 year old is in bed no later then 9 and my 15 year old 9.30. There are a few arguments about this occasionally but I tell them they are still young and need plenty of sleep and as they have to be up at 6.45 each day I think their bedtimes are quite appropriate. At weekends unless it is a special occasion my youngest is stil in bed by 9.30 and my eldest 10-10.15. It was very interesting to read abouth that boarding schools bedtimes and form that it seems my daughters can’t have too much to complain about, have they?
I have a 13 and a 16 year old daughter. Their bed times are 9.00 and 9.30 as both of them have to get up at 6.30. However my youngest often takes herself off to bed at 8.00 or 8.30 as she is tired from a long day. As I am a ‘morning’ person myself, I tend not to let my kids sleep in for too long at the week end since I worry it will upset their sleeping pattern. I wake them at between 8.00 and 9.00 so we can do stuff as a family. this way, come evening they are tired and want to go to bed.Some people can cope with less sleep, but if your child is cranky during the day, chances are they need to go to bed earlier!
A bedtime of 9pm is completely unreasonable, my own daughter needs her sleep or else she can get overtired and becomes unwell very quickly. However, she is 15 and has just started year 10 at a prestigious private school and aims to be in bed by 10pm with half an hour to read. She manages to do this without becoming overtired and is able to focus fully the next day, even though she has to wake up at 6:30am in order to get to school on time. During the holidays i suggest that a few late nights, around 11:30pm, are acceptable and should be allowed, however, these should be limited and not allowed to happen for more than four nights in a row. My daughter and I never have disputes over bedtimes as they are reasonable and she accepts that she needs her sleep.
(When my daughter was 14, she turned her lights out between 10 and 10:15pm.)
As I tell my daughter, I am more than happy to canvass the other class parents to ascertain exactly how many of her friend do the thing she claims they are doing, and that some of them are probably not telling the whole truth, and have to conform to rules but don’t want to appear as though they do, as I have taught her to value the truth I tell her she is probably experiencing the same as many more of them than she realises, only she tells the truth about it. There is little argument to that, but then she is not one given to arguing. She needs her sleep, there are rules for lots of things, I tell her that she will have the opportunity to be mean to her own children, only by then she won’t think it mean, then I offer her something fun to do in order to take her mind off it, a game of connect 4 or something usually does it.
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My twelve year old goes up at 9:00 and lights out by 10:00. She gets up at 6:30 and she is fine