Why is my teenage daughter frequently angry and uncooperative?

Q. My daughter (14) can be delightful but more often is extremely assertive, both at home and at school. If she ‘takes against’ someone, be it pupil or teacher, she simply refuses further cooperation. Her older siblings (brother, sister) are 8 and 12 years older and we didn’t have anything like this much trouble. Any suggestions?

A. You need to find out why she is ‘taking against someone’ and then talk through other ways that she can deal with her frustration or anger. Perhaps role playing with her the situations she finds herself in that make her angry would give her some new strategies and ways to get out of those situations.

Listen to her. As parents we are keen to impart our wisdom, teach, give examples – all good things and, in the long run, good advice is a good idea – but teenagers need someone to listen to them – not just talk to them. They have teachers talking at them all day long – they need to feel that there is a safe place to talk – and home should be that place.

Refusing further cooperation is often a sign of lack of confidence – rarely will someone who knows what is expected of them and feels safe that they can do it, refuse to do the task. Usually it is a person that either believes that they can’t do something or actually can’t do something that will refuse. Your daughter needs to find a language to express that she hasn’t understood. Your daughter may also be suffering from a lack of self-confidence. This can be boosted in all the usual ways – participating in enjoyable activities, receiving praise, teaching others something we have mastered, learning to do something that others don’t know anything about, becoming an ‘expert’ at something. When we feel self-assured and peaceful we tend not to shout and get so angry with others.

Remember that your daughter is an individual and though it is a natural reaction in this situation, drawing comparisons with siblings or friends will not help either of you in the long run. Instead try to work with your daughter to make the most of her individual characteristics and to better manage her feelings. Good luck.