The pursuit of liberty vs. stranger danger

Yet another case of child abduction such as Madeleine or Jaycee, or another case of child abuse such as Baby P or Stacey or, the ultimate horror, of child murder such as those of Holly and Jessica hits the headlines. The blood of every parent in the land runs cold. It only takes a very small leap of imagination to put ourselves in the position of the parents: what could we/they have done to prevent these terrible acts? Surely the fundamental role of a parent is to keep their beloved child safe? If it happens to any child it could happen to our child.

We tell them not to talk to strangers but also raise them to be polite and helpful. Recently a group of Year 6 girls spent a day learning about Stranger Danger with Surrey Police; they were attentive and correctly answered the questions about how to keep themselves safe. At the end of the session the girls were sent outside for a break; here they met a man who was holding an empty dog lead and collar. He seemed upset and told them his puppy had slipped its leash. Could they help him look for it? Of course they trotted off with him into the bushes in search of his mythical pet.
They were very shamefaced when the policeman who was playing the part of “the nice man who’d lost his puppy” pointed out how easily they had fallen for his trick, but will they behave any differently in a slightly different situation?

A thirteen year old girl travelling home from school on her usual train felt uncomfortable about a man who seemed to be watching her rather too closely. He then moved seats so as to have a clearer line of vision of her. He got off at the same station as her and seemed to be following her. This sensible and brave girl went over to some older girls and told them her fears. One of them took a photo of him on her mobile then called 999.

Of course that’s what we parents and teachers want to happen. Because while we don’t want our children to be fearful, timid or mistrustful of every unknown adult neither do we want them to be overconfident and lacking in awareness of possible dangers. We want them to be able to evaluate situations calmly, to weigh up likely risks and take appropriate action. We know we can’t wrap them in cotton wool; indeed that to do so would also be dangerous for how can a child assess an unfamiliar situation if she has never been exposed to risk?

These headlines appal us is because we can identify with the emotions of those affected. But we mustn’t forget that one of the reasons we are so greatly affected is because these kinds of events are so very rare. Many more children are killed in traffic accidents every hour of every day yet these don’t make headlines because they’re all too common. Do we warn our children sufficiently of traffic danger which is far more likely to impact them than stranger danger?

What are parents supposed to do?

I would suggest that we all want our daughters to have the freedom to be brave and bold, to view the world as a place of potential and excitement and to expect other people to treat them kindly. We do not want them to be looking for danger in every situation, to be crippled by terror, to view every adult as a possible threat.
Is this so very different to how we help our toddlers to grow? We stop them putting their fingers into electric sockets but we don’t stop them from going upstairs – we teach them how to do it safely. Surely this strategy should extend throughout their upbringing? We put training wheels on their first bike and expect a few falls. Swimming pools are fenced off and we teach our children to swim. We teach them their name and address when small; we give them a mobile when they are older.

If we take it as given that it is our job to provide our girls with a nest and also with wings, then we have to prepare her to leave us. As you gradually let go, encouraging your daughter to move with confidence towards independence, you will need to negotiate with her. You know her best so will be able to judge, for instance, when you can trust her to go out with friends without an adult. Keep communicating, tell her when you’re going to check up with other mothers, accept that some fights are inevitable but not terminal! Help her to grow those wings safely, confident that if you do she will keep flying back to her nest, but on her own terms, and that you will be a successful parent.