Who is my daughter texting?

Q. I have just discovered, (via a sneak look at her phone as I felt something was wrong) that my 12-year old daughter is secretly texting two boys whom I have never heard of. As far as I am aware she doesn’t even know any boys and, much as she knows it is dangerous to, I am terrified that they are unknown and perhaps met via Facebook (which she doesn’t generally do). I don’t know what to do as I want to talk to her about it but how do I say I know? Both texts said ‘Work’ on the other person’s note which makes me even more worried that perhaps they are men not boys. I do talk to her about all these things but she is an only child (12 but looks 15) and seems to think she knows everything, but of course doesn’t. Any advice greatly appreciated – I am so worried.

A. This is a very delicate situation. On balance, your daughter is only twelve and so as a parent you must take responsibility for keeping her safe, but as you are aware there is a real danger of damaging the trust between yourself and your daughter, and of course, there might be nothing sinister in this at all.

I would advise that you tell your daughter that you have seen the messages, perhaps because the phone had been left lying around? You should explain calmly and seriously why you are so worried and then ask your daughter to show you the messages and explain who they were from and what they were about.

It is really important to remain calm and not get emotional. You may need to explain that it is your job to help keep her safe and that she is still too young to have friends that her parents are unaware of. Hopefully there will be a simple, innocent explanation and you can both smile about it and move on.

It is natural for your daughter to know real boys of her own age and that should not be made into a crime. But equally you should explain to your daughter that you have a duty of care to protect her from strangers and that you need to be open and able to discuss things together. Good luck!