Am I indulging her every whim?

Q. My 13 year old daughter always seems to be asking for more – trips and outings, new clothes, different clubs and activities etc. She seems to want to try a new sport or musical instrument on a regular basis. I have tried to give her as many opportunities as I can, but it’s costing a fortune with no real results or even satisfaction to show for it, and I’m starting to think that I’m just indulging her every whim. Where should I draw the line?

A. Thank you for your question. I have a 13 year old daughter too, so I do understand how difficult this can be, but it does indeed sound a bit as if you are in danger of over-indulging her! I think that as we parents need to educate our daughters what is reasonable to ask for and what is not. It is kind to say no sometimes and to explain why. As an adult your daughter will not have an unlimited amount of money in her budget so she needs to learn the value of money now. It is fair for you to set an allowance for clothes for each month and encourage her to keep within that allowance. It is fair for you to decide how many outings and trips she is allowed and then to say no to the others. (It is not possible for most families to afford many of the expensive school trips on offer.)

Most children stick with one or two musical instruments and do not keep changing. If you are paying for lessons, it is reasonable to suggest that she should stick with one instrument for at least two years before giving up and trying others. She needs to understand about commitment to certain activities and skills so that she can get the best out of them and work through the inevitable difficulties of learning something new.

I suggest you work out how much of your household budget should go on your daughter and then assign amounts for the various different types of expenditure. Discuss this with her and treat her more like an adult. Stick to what you decide otherwise you will be back to square one!

It is okay to say no to your daughter. As the parent, you set the limits and that is quite right and appropriate. I wish you lots of luck with this.