Bereavement - helping your daughter cope...

Death is a part of life. It is unavoidable. With death come loss and grief, anger and disbelief.

Most of us think of bereavement as occurring primarily on the death of a loved one but there are other kinds of bereavement. For instance: when parents separate or divorce; when chronic illness becomes a reality in the home; when physical, sexual, or emotional abuse is happening to a child; or even when a good friend moves away.

Feelings of bereavement can also happen when seemingly wonderful circumstances make big changes in children’s lives such as the arrival of a step parent, adoption into a family, or the birth of a new sibling.

Be aware that every child will respond to situations of change and loss quite differently. Your daughter may appear to adjust on her own to a significant bereavement such as the loss of a grandparent, or she may be devastated by a seemingly minor loss like the death of a pet.

Although children watch loss, death, and disaster on television, in films, on the internet and in books and magazines we tend not to talk to them about the fact of death. Our generation don’t “do” death. It is the last taboo.
Hopefully you will find some of the guidance below helpful. There are some further suggestions for sources of support at the end:

• Never assume that your daughter will react to loss in the same way you will. Don’t think that if she isn’t crying, she isn’t sad. We each have a different way of handling bereavement which should be respected. This is particularly important if you too are grieving.

• Don’t feel as though you always need to say something deeply meaningful to her. It’s enough just to be there; simply to listen or to hug her. Laugh with her; give her a chance to rant and rage; sit quietly alongside her; let her cry without embarrassment; or even cry with her. Ask her what she needs. She will appreciate being asked even if she says, “I don’t know yet,” Accept that, and let her know you’ll still be there when she does.

• Don’t forget to look after yourself when you are looking after your daughter in bereavement, because every carer needs a carer.

• Try to resist saying “I know what you are going through; I understand what you are feeling.” Although you are trying to sympathise your daughter is likely to say “No you don’t understand how I’m feeling. I don’t even understand how I am feeling. And you don’t know what I’m going through.” And if you get it wrong and say or do something which upsets your daughter, apologise; say sorry; and begin again.

A word about pets: Don’t forget that your daughter’s first brush with deep grief may be the death of a pet. Don’t tell her she can get another kitten, however logical that may seem. Be aware that her bereavement is very similar to a bereavement encountered at the passing of a beloved person.

A word on grieving children attending funerals: Every family must decide whether to allow a grieving child to attend a funeral. A child may feel real anger if she is prevented from attending a significant funeral “for her own good.” Children appreciate ritual, they need a chance to express grief publicly, as well as an opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one. Sit down with your child, tell her what happens at a funeral, and what she might see and hear at one. Do try, if at all possible, to include your child in the decision-making process.

It is very important to inform your daughter’s school if she suffers any significant loss. Staff will be experienced in supporting grieving children and can offer both of you support and advice. How and what you would like the school to reveal to your daughter’s classmates of needs to be carefully considered and will depend on her age.

There is a wealth of material about loss, grief, and bereavement in children and young people including Good Grief: Exploring Feelings, Loss and Death with Under Elevens (2nd Edition) by Barbara Ward and Associates. Other resources on bereavement care can be had by contacting your NHS Trust, and specialist groups :

Winston’s Wish, (winstonswish.org.uk)
Cruse Bereavement Care (crusebereavementcare.org.uk)
The Child Bereavement Trust (childbereavement.org.uk)

Additional useful leaflets and educational documents on childhood bereavement are also available from many local children’s hospices, and county bereavement networks.