Dads & daughters - your questions answered...

Q My daughter hasn’t achieved the grades she should. What can I do to help as her dad?
A It is so important that your daughter does not feel that her lack of success is a disappointment to you and that you do not think any less of her. It might be she has reached her potential and you are overestimating her ability or perhaps your daughter is a little too ambitious. Talk to her teachers; they will tell you whether your daughter is working effectively and achieving her full potential or whether there is still more to come. Either way, it is great that you are there to support her as she picks herself up. Make it as easy as possible for her to have another go but do keep an eye on reality; it may be that your daughter has done exceedingly well and should be congratulated for doing so!

Q: As a family we have always been open and have brought our children up not to be ashamed of their bodies. Now my teenage daughter wants to lock her bedroom and locks herself in the bathroom for hours. What’s going on?
A: It is perfectly natural for your daughter to become modest, even secretive, while her body is developing. It will take her time to get used to the changes that are happening and she is not, and may never be, ready to return to the easy confidence of childhood. She may be particularly shy around you, a male, and it is important that you do not tease or mock her natural modesty; after all it is something you want her to develop! She may also feel that her bedroom should now become her private space that she can invite people, including her family, into rather than being “invaded”. Respect her wishes unless you have very good reasons to suspect her motives for wanting this privacy.

Q: My daughter aged 8 seems to love play-flirting with every man she comes into contact with. Should I be worried?
A: Hopefully not – practising her feminine wiles is one element of growing up. However you will not wish your daughter only to relate to the opposite sex in a “flirty”, sexualised way. It is vital that your daughter is encouraged, particularly by her father, to value herself for who she is: her interests, talents and personality, rather than for her physical attractions. If she can learn this from an early age she will respect herself and make wise choices later.If you are seriously concerned about her behaviour, for instance if she shows inappropriate knowledge of sexual matters, you should consider talking to your GP about your worries.

Q: My daughter has always had a good relationship with her mother but now they are constantly rowing. She and I are getting along really well but I’m uncomfortable about this friction between the two women in my life.
A: Your final phrase explains it all! Your daughter (probably aged around 14?) is challenging her mother for the “alpha female” role in your household, questioning and testing her in the quest to work out what sort of woman she herself is going to be. In the process she will also be vying for your attention and testing her female charms on you en route to womanhood. Not an easy time – but very normal! The key, for each of you, to getting through this phase unscathed is for you and your wife to maintain a united front and appropriate boundaries – particularly regarding acceptable behaviour from you hormonal daughter. This is even more important if you are living apart. In this case you could be tempted to believe everything your (currently) adoring daughter is telling you about her mother’s perceived imperfections. Try to remember that this is just another developmental phase!