Dealing with death and loss...

One of the hardest situations in which we support our daughters is dealing with death. It is difficult when it happens within the family and amongst friends, because parents are often grieving themselves, and it’s also hard when there’s a death at school, as parents may not know all the facts. With a few careful strategies, you can help your daughter to cope at this challenging time for everyone.

If you have a pet at home, this can be an opportunity for your young daughter to learn about losing someone close to her. Rabbits, hamsters and other small creatures are likely to live for a shorter span than your daughter’s childhood. The death of such a pet is an opportunity to explain that he/she has left and won’t return but had a happy life, knew they were well cared for and is at peace now.

Many children and teenagers will experience the*loss of a grandparent*. However upset the family is, it’s important to allow your daughter to talk about how she is feeling, even if you haven’t lived close to the relative who has passed away, or seen them for a while. Don’t be surprised by the questions your daughter asks, perhaps about how her relative died and what it was like. Children will often be curious about matters that may seem inappropriate to adults; this is quite normal and questions should be answered as honestly as possible, taking care not to alarm your daughter.

If you have a religious faith, this is an opportunity to say something comforting from your faith. If you don’t, then don’t make something up, as this may well be questioned later on: try to focus on the fact that the relative is at peace now and will always live on in your memories. You will know whether or not you want your daughter at the funeral with you: if in doubt, ask her what she would like to do but be careful not to put pressure on her either way. Children may also ask what it will be like after you die: this may be upsetting but try to deal with it calmly and be reassuring, saying how you will always be there in your daughter’s heart and that there are family and friends who will look after her. She need not worry.

It is likely that at some time in your daughter’s school career, a pupil will die: this may be a girl a lot older than her, or younger, or it may be someone close to her. Sadly, although many childhood diseases have been cured or greatly reduced, there are still children who become terminally ill while at school and, particularly amongst older students, there are those who are lost in road accidents and in other tragic circumstances. When this happens, you will find that the school is very pro-active in helping the girls to cope with their grief and will communicate closely with all parents in school. In cases of extreme tragedy, girls will be offered professional counselling services.

It’s important at this time that your daughter feels she has something to do to help her to work through her feelings. At school, your daughter will have the opportunity to write notes to the girl who has died, or to take a candle or a flower into school, to show her care and support. She may want to be involved in events to raise money for a memorial or for the charities relevant to the illness or interests of the girl who has died. Whether or not your daughter was close, she may want to talk about the girl’s death at home. Depending on the age of your daughter, she may be very frightened that the same thing could happen to her. It’s important to allow her to express her fears and to emphasise to her that it’s very unusual for children to die so she need not feel there is any likelihood of the same thing happening to her.

Senior school girls will have come across death in their reading and some teenagers can become very interested in the subject, perhaps spending time reading poetry or novels on the theme. It’s quite normal in adolescence to think deeply about these matters but if your daughter is very sensitive, a death at school could lead her to become depressed. If you find your daughter is very sad for over a month after the tragedy, or seems to be excessively morbid, then it may be a good idea to contact the School Nurse, who can give advice on counselling, or to see your own GP. Sometimes older teenagers can feel a sense of the absurdity of life in the face of death at such a young age; while they need the space to express their views, they also need to be steered towards a healthy optimism about their own futures.

Some youngsters may go through their schooldays without any tragedy – we hope they do – but it’s as well to be prepared for bereavement, as this is one of the times when your daughter needs your support most. A good school will always help you to help her so do get in touch with your Head if you need further advice at this most difficult of times.