Divorce & separation
The personal relationship between you as adults may be over. You may be contemplating or have embarked upon separating or divorcing and yet your role as parents continues.
At this difficult time never forget that your daughter still needs you. The strain of a failing emotional relationship can impact upon your relationship with your daughter. It is vital that you both continue to communicate clearly with her.
The key messages for parents at this time are:
- neither of you should undermine the other in front of your daughter
- both of you should avoid blaming her for the relationship breakdown
- both of you should keep consistent messages about boundaries with each other prior to separation.
- both of you should reassure her that while your relationship has failed your love for her is constant and continuing.
Some parents seek the support of a family mediator to work together to facilitate their communication with each other and with their children. A family mediator usually has legal or therapeutic training. They are completely independent as they do not advise either parent. They do not judge the issues or impose solutions but are able to work with both parents face to face to help parents view things from each of their children’s points of views and to focus on the future rather than dwelling on the past.
Mediation can help manage the practical arrangements associated with children keeping in contact with the parent they no longer live with. Whilst mediation is a confidential and private process just think what a powerful message you send to your daughter by demonstrating that to sort out difficult issues, the best way is to sit down and talk about them rather than fighting.
If your daughter is having significant problems handling your relationship breakdown consider finding someone for her to talk to, perhaps a friend of the family or a counsellor.
Do keep her school informed of events so that her teachers can support her. They will have experience of the likely impact on your daughter and will be able to provide a safe environment for her.
Sarah Anticoni, Mediator, Charles Russell LLP
Your comments
I agree with the advice but am in a situation where my wife has broken all the rules:
— she undermines me and is verbally abusive to me in front of my two daughters
— my wife has told my older daughter that she started the divorce proceedings because my daughter said ‘it was the right time’
— she gets my daughters to lie to me
The list goes on…
Any thoughts and advice would help.
Thanks
Try to resist the urge to join in this destructive game which no-one can win and work to keep open lines of communication with your daughters while staying neutral about their mother.
Stay in touch with their school: you are entitled to receive copies of their reports and to attend parent-teacher evenings. Hopefully the school have already been made aware of the situation so that staff can give your girls every support at this difficult time.
You don’t say how old your girls are but in my experience as a Head I found that even if girls had no communication with one parent for some time there came a moment when they wanted to make their own judgements and decisions. I hope that at that point, or sooner, your daughters will realise the truth which generally is that no one parent is totally to blame.