Mums and daughters - the highs & the lows...

It starts simply enough – that dear little baby who has stolen your heart. But as she grows up, it all gets more complicated, and the heart melts a bit less when she steals your shoes and your makeup, all the mugs are in her room, and she and the car are both AWOL.

Maybe she is like you, and maybe not. There is often a strange closeness, as if each side seems to see the other as no other can, and they both know it. Over time, the relationship can be quite a rollercoaster, but as well as being the most demanding, it can also be the most rewarding one there is, and certainly for many women, the most important over a lifetime.

The fluency of speech normally developed by girls at a very young age makes possible an exceptional exchange of ideas with their mothers, but that will include the voicing of negative thoughts as well as deeply affectionate ones. The negotiating power of a four-year-old girl, especially with her mother, can be astonishingly complex, effective and indeed manipulative. It can elicit similarly complex responses from mum, which may not be entirely adult, especially when either or both is tired, as will commonly be the case. More sleep on both sides probably cures most problems!

Her mother is a girl’s model for life. If you want your daughter to be the best person she can be, you must model the values you wish for her. It helps you to be honest, kind, fair and rational too, and it gives you the confidence to set appropriate boundaries within which your daughter can operate. Then you must allow her to negotiate increased freedom over time, and look for reasonably safe ways by which she can become suitably independent, and make her own rules from sensible self-discipline and her personal wisdom.

It helps if you remember this relationship is there for the long term, and that it becomes one of two adults in time, and later it may well be you who is the dependent one. During your daughter’s childhood and youth, you should not abdicate responsibility to her just because she is demanding it before she is ready – the grown-ups are supposed to be in control! But a recognition that even a young girl can make many choices for herself without harm, and that mum should not try to own her child’s soul nor strive to be a control-freakish perfect mother, will help both sides enjoy their lives together as well as separately. A shared sense of humour and confident certainty that all will be well, even though work is required on both sides, will address many eventualities.

It helps if there is a granny or granny-substitute for you and your daughter to learn from, regarding generational differences and the enduring value of good manners, hard work, and respect for others. In time, as the generations roll, you yourself are likely to be the granny; then, your daughter will suddenly appreciate you all the more. You will have the time to better understand your relationship with your daughter, as she makes a slightly-the-same but different one with your grand-daughter, and then perhaps sees her daughter become mum, in her turn.