My daughter is lacking a father-figure in her life...

Q. My husband died six years ago when my daughter was just 7 and my son 5. We have been very lucky with close family support having moved back to the village where my parents live and the schools I chose for my children have been very supportive and have provided a very secure environment.

However, my daughter is now 13 and is becoming more independent, and I am starting to feel a little bit lost myself as I see a very loving easy child start to become slightly more difficult and obstinate. I have also noticed that she makes a beeline for her uncles and older male relations as she obviously misses that father/daughter relationship and security and am worried that as she gets older she will become more interested in older boys. I would be grateful for any advice.

A. You are to be congratulated for giving your children such a secure way of life, in a real community where they are known and loved and cared about by many adults. It is right that your daughter should be seeking out these safe adult males to talk to; they will each play their part over time in helping her understand herself as a developing woman, as her father would have done to a greater extent, had he lived. It is also right that she is sometimes now much more difficult to be with at home – this is also a necessary part of her development, as she tests boundaries, and pushes against her known support system (mostly you, unfortunately) to check things out, in an unconscious way. At these times, firm but affectionate boundaries are needed, with increasing freedom within them.

At this time, your daughter may be starting to reassess her bereavement in a very different way. Most adolescents feel a sense of loss at this stage anyway, as the certainties of childhood seem to melt away, and they can sometimes feel a bit adrift. She may turn to a teacher for discussion, or she may feel she wants more professional help in understanding the unfairness to her and to you all of the loss of her father – a school counsellor can help in this area, so she can feel supported outside the family as well as within it.

As they get older, you will see both of your children making all sorts of adjustments to fill the father-gap when that is possible. You may already have the conversations which show your daughter that you understand the big gap she has, and that it is safe for her to talk to you about it. If not, perhaps a someone you are both close to can do this. It is indeed sometimes the case that young people try to fill a parental gap by making adult relationships which replace the missing part – or seem to. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but the fact that this can happen, and can sometimes blind a young person to the other’s possible unsuitability on other grounds, is something which many mothers discuss with their daughters at some stage, whatever the situation of their own upbringing.

My advice to you is that you try to leave such worries and cares for the future, and enjoy all that you can in the present. Although thirteen year old girls are usually a mix of sunshine and showers if not yet actual thunder for their family, especially their mothers, it is in your joint interest to try to make these other male relations and friends available to her, as well as keeping conversations going at home on any sort of topic. One way of ensuring that you do have time to talk one-to-one is to arrange something like getting each child to help you wash up after your evening meal in turn, without the other one there. Over time, this keeps the chatting going, especially if you have an unspoken rule that it is not about work (theirs or yours) unless the child raises it. It also trains them in the dark art of clearing up to your satisfaction, for which you and they will always be thankful!

You will, I am sure, find that thanks to the start they had with two parents, and the love and care you have always shown them, they emerge from adolescence stronger, more resilient and more caring than you ever dared hope, and that they are each able to form happy relationships themselves, which will bring you more contentment and joy than you could ever imagine. The bumpy ride most parents experience at times on the way is all part of the family strengthening process, though it doesn’t feel like that at the time. Good luck to you all!