Parent or friend? Striking the right balance with your daughter

How can you get the balance right between being a parent and a friend to your daughter? This is particularly tricky in the teenage years when girls are growing fast and rapidly becoming young women, yet the maturity and emotional development does not always keep pace with the physical transformations. So when do you stop being her parent and start being her friend?

The answer is that you never stop being a parent and worrying about your child. As parents we have responsibilities to our girls – to teach them right from wrong, to show them how to live, to support and help them all we can – but once they go to school (if not before) there are many other influences on their lives which may conflict with what we are saying.

Many of you with teenage daughters will be grappling with the perennial problem of setting boundaries – when she should go to bed, how long she can stay out with her friends, how much access she can have to the internet and, in particular, social networking sites. Buying her laptops, iphones and other objects of mass distraction may show her that you understand and appreciate her world, so very different from the one in which you grew up, but can lead to other problems…

Once girls are exposed to the dangers lurking in cyber space, it is even more difficult to monitor their development as they can access many more sites and information – not to mention people – than you can ever be aware of. So what is the answer – give your daughter these items and hope for the best or ban them – and face the consequences?

As parents you have to continue to educate your daughter – but as she grows up, to do so in a different way. Your main priority is still to parent your daughter and protect her. If you can be her friend as well, all well and good. Bear in mind though that she will have many friends over time, but only you can be her parents. This will inevitably lead to conflict, disagreement and tension – how much easier just to give in and let her do as she wishes – but you must not lose sight of the fact that, behind that mature physical exterior she is still a young, vulnerable girl who is experiencing the challenges of adolescence and enormous changes – both physical and emotional – for the first time.

Once you commit to setting boundaries and limits, girls are – surprisingly – often happy to accept this (although they will rarely say so at the time). They want you as parents to help and guide them – if you do not do this, who will? And although they may not thank you at the time, once the dust has settled and they have calmed down then they will – hopefully. This does not mean that you must be draconian and inflexible – you know your daughter better than anyone – but you need to remember that you are the parent.

Above all, keep channels of communication open and try to keep calm – not easy, I know when you are being shouted at and accused of all sorts of terrible crimes against humanity – eventually she will calm down and, deep down, she knows you are right because you care about her, love her and want what is best for her. She will then be your friend again – until the next time….