Parental disputes - how can we protect our daughter?

Q. My partner and I are going through a difficult patch but are trying to protect our daughter from any of the effects of our dispute. Is this possible?

A. Parents’ individual problems can influence the dynamic in the family and a child can often “act out” when the conflict gets too much. So for example, it is often the case that younger siblings will mimic a parents’ argument, using the same language, the same tone of language and often will be physically aggressive with one another to express their frustrations. Your older daughter might start developing faddy eating habits or perhaps begin self harming. All these are examples of ways in which children will aim to divert attention from the arguing parents and instead become the focus of the attention themselves. Teenagers will often do this subconsciously as a way of ensuring that their parents will have to come to together even if it just to talk about the troubled teenager.

Do not underestimate the effect of what you do as parents and how this can impact upon your daughter and your other children. Children are very sensitive to arguments and they pick up on conflict in relationships and they will act this out within their play or with their friends. For example, if your daughter starts having complex friendship issues with her school friends think perhaps of what could be happening at home that is upsetting and unsettling her.

Above all keep the lines of communication open both with your children and each other, and don’t be afraid to turn to external sources for help:

www.relate.org.uk
www.counselling-directory.org.uk