Sibling rivalry

Children frequently learn about emotions through their relationships with their siblings. Issues of conflict, friendship, social skills and above all, how to form relationships with others, are formed in childhood and can have long lasting and far reaching consequences for your daughter throughout her childhood, her teenage years and indeed her whole life. Sibling rivalry can last into adulthood and can be acted out over and over again in future relationships. It is important therefore to consider your actions as parents and how your behaviour impacts upon your daughter and your other children. This is why it is essential for parents to demonstrate consistency within the rules and structure of the family and aim to avoid favouring any of their children.

Noel Janis- Norton, cited in How to be a Better Parent, (Jardine, 2003) believes that sibling rivalry is natural and indeed can be beneficial to children in ensuring that children learn to share, to take turns, to learn tolerance and to know how to handle disagreements. She advises parents not to intervene in sibling squabbles, but to tell their children to take their arguments elsewhere and sort out the problem themselves, with a basic rule that no throwing is allowed so that nothing can be turned into a weapon of any kind! This may sound like radical advice, but children do need to learn the skills to sort out their problems themselves and need to learn how to resolve an argument amicably. If an argument becomes too great and there is violence and real aggression, then I would suggest that you do as schools do – get the children together with you as a facilitator and spend some time talking through the disagreement listening to both your children and helping them listen to each other, resolve the argument and apologise to one another.

As a parent it is important to make time for each individual child and to give her quality time with you, ideally doing something you both enjoy. If you treat your children as individuals in their own right then they will have less need to rival with their sibling for your attention.

A new sibling

The first child is always the trailblazer, but she is also the one on whom the parents first learn how to be parents. New parents are often anxious with their first child and perhaps also a touch over indulgent. It is important to teach your first child to be self-reliant, to learn how to play by herself and to learn how to enjoy her own company. When you know you are going to have a new sibling for your first born, ensure that you prepare her for this and then when her sibling is born give your older child even more attention so that she does not feel marginalized.

All siblings need to be treated as individuals and have their different temperaments recognized and appreciated. Older siblings will often take on the role of the teacher/helper. She can often be more bossy than her siblings and enjoys telling her younger brothers and/or sisters what to do. She may continue this role into later life.

The second child is less likely to get as much attention as the first one and has to adapt more readily to her role as the additional child within the family as opposed to the first. This tends to mean that the second child can be more amenable and tolerant than the older siblings. She has to fit in with the already established routines of the family and she also learns very early on that there is another child who has needs and requirements.

The rules around consistency here are key. It is imperative that you ensure that your daughter knows which kind of behaviour is acceptable and which kind of behaviour is unacceptable and that you are firm and clear about this. If your toddler bites her new sibling for example, you may choose to punish her by giving her some “time out” on the naughty step. However, older toddlers also like to be very helpful and are keen to help out with getting things to help you with the baby. Do ensure that you make time for both your children – for example whilst feeding the new baby, you could read a story to your toddler. There are many books and guidance on this subject (e.g. Toddler Taming, Green, C) and your health visitor can also offer you useful advice.

Try to continue to give each of your children quality time. It is hard work and some quality time for the adults doesn’t go amiss either…

Older children

As your children grow older and become school age patterns within the family can become more entrenched. The squabbles and fights between children will take place and can be over all sorts of things: – television watching, toy ownership whose turn it is to use the computer. You as the parent must ensure that the rules are clear to the children, rules about bedtime, television watching, computer access and ensure that your sanctions are consistent. Work with your partner so that the children know not to play you off against one another. Children will cleverly look for any chinks in their parents’ armour – unite with your partner, so that the children know that the adults remain in charge.

Your children are all different from one another and you need to celebrate those differences while maintaining a harmony within the family. Simple in theory, but in practice, there will be arguments, fighting, jealousies and so on and these are part of normal family life.* Consistency at all times and quality time for each individual child* are essential.

Younger children often mimic the older ones. So for example in a larger family with more than one sibling, or where there are teenagers beginning to push the boundaries, or where there are different rules because of their ages; a younger sibling may begin to feel that she too should be allowed to do the same as her siblings. As a parent you need to make it clear that the older children have privileges because of their ages, and that she has different rules.

Consistency and Communication

The key area, as in any relationship – parent to child or parent to parent – focuses on the area of communication. Parents need to always maintain communication with their children and with each other. Parents need to try to remain impartial when there is sibling conflict, whilst retaining a sensitivity to the needs of the individual child. They also need to be fully aware that the dynamic within their own nuclear family affects all the relationships within it as well as all the relationships which in the future will stem from it.

Struggling?

There are numerous ways in which you can gain extra help or support with your children if you need. Your first port of call is likely to be your partner, your parents or close friends. Do talk to them and ask for advice. Also, read widely, talk to your friends with children of a similar age and scour websites like MyDaughter or Mumsnet. Perhaps attend a parenting class if you are finding life tricky with your children. Finally, if you are finding that sibling rivalry within your family is having a detrimental impact on you all, then ask your GP to refer you to a family therapist for some help and support.

Although the relationship between siblings can be complex they can also be incredibly rewarding and supportive. Siblings can form a close unit and develop friendships that last a life time. Hopefully your children will be able to form positive and happy relationships with their siblings which will enable them in turn to develop secure, warm and fulfilling relationships with others in the future.