The changing relationship between mums and daughters - 11+

The relationship between mother and daughter is often close until secondary school, when things start to change, and not always in a comfortable way. A larger school, longer journey with more independence, and the start of puberty will combine to bring about changes everywhere.

You may feel a loss of control for the first time – you will know so much less of your daughter’s school life. The happy child who felt at the top of her tree in Year 6 is suddenly at the bottom of a much larger and more daunting edifice, of unknown shape. She will get very tired, very fast. Typically, by the end of that first long term, she will he holding it together at school, but not so successfully at home, and everyone knows it!

You will need to get to know the person named by the school as your daughter’s pastoral carer, and share any worries with them, and take their experienced advice. You should try to prepare yourself for a change in your relationship, sensitively offering help at the right time and in the right way, while showing total confidence that your daughter is managing it all very well.
Crucially, you must keep talking with your daughter. This will lay down a structure to support what is often a yet more difficult time ahead. Having a daily family meal in the evening keeps things smooth, and can also act as a useful training ground for washing up with a parent – if you have more than one child, they (and the parent if possible) can rotate, and encourage regular private one-to-one chats as well.

It helps if you can ensure that your daughter has a well-organised day if there is school tomorrow. It is a parental responsibility to ensure a pupil gets to school in good time without rush, well prepared and taking all that she should with her, having had breakfast. It is also a parental responsibility to ensure there is a protected time and place for homework, and that she gets to bed early enough to have plenty of sleep, without staying up watching television or using social networking sites late at night.

Keeping firm boundaries, while allowing the chance for negotiation of more liberty when appropriate, will keep your daughter secure and confident. Adults must remain in control and model what they want their daughter to do – tell the truth, be open and affectionate, apologise when relevant, leave a note of where they are if away, and how to be contacted.

With adolescence comes a pulling away from family, which may carry a great hidden sense of loss of security, and a strong association with the peer group. This is not a failure of family relationships, but a normal stage of progress. Ideally there is an adult at home when your daughter comes back each day, and family values are re-encountered after the heady emotional dramas of school, with family chat over the evening meal.

Even in the worst of times at adolescence, you are hugely important as a steady rock and role model. It will not always feel like that, but provided there is not a total sense of humour failure, the relationship will, unsteadily, change to one of mutual admiration and support between adults, a source of great contentedness on each side.