The importance of family

Girls’ relationships are typically far more complex than those of their brothers. In general, they:

• Talk more, and unconsciously pass all their thoughts through a powerful emotional filter.
• Are usually more emotionally manipulative than boys, and have advanced negotiating skills with their parents.
• Are likely to be ultra-sensitive to any personal comment, particularly in adolescence when their self-confidence can slip.

All these factors can make them outstanding managers as adults, but can also lead to strain within the family relationships as they grow up.

Your daughter needs to have an individual relationship with each of her parents, or parent-substitutes, whether she normally lives with them or not. If you are an absent parent use chatty email or texts, the sub-text being that there you still love her unconditionally, despite physical separation. If you live at home with your daughter you can develop a good relationship with her by ensuring you have regular time for relaxed conversation alone with her – doing the washing-up after supper one-to-one, for example.

A girl generally needs to talk – a lot! Just chatting in an engaged way on a regular basis, from when speech begins, will get her into the habit of talking things over. This will allow you not only to help with homework, but more importantly to help her steer her emotional growth, and also to keep things going even when there are difficult times, especially at adolescence. It will enable trust to be built up between you over years of childhood, and for this to continue after puberty, when family relationships can become strained.

During adolescence a girl is more likely to take up the values of her peer group than her family. Even if it can be more like polite conversation at times, fraught with sensitive areas which must be skirted around, just keep on chatting. This way your daughter will know that although she seems to be pushing you away, you are still there for her, and that the crucial unconditional love remains as she searches for her own personality and identity. She may often feel very lonely and lost during this stage, and needs to know that she has not lost the secure love of which she used to be so certain. Remember that in order for her become an independent, mature adult she first needs to separate from you.

If things get very bad, or you are worried that she is not in good emotional health, talk it over with your GP or other suitable professional. If your teenage daughter is caught up with others who are not well-grounded, or whose family relationships are poor, she may need well-qualified emotional support – or perhaps a loved and respected grandparent, aunt or godmother can help. She may turn to a teacher or family friend for adult support,;if she does you should not feel you have failed – it is normal.

Our children teach us patience. Our daughters are usually immensely companionable at almost all ages, and while they can be emotionally demanding, they repay it a thousand-fold over time. As adults, should they have children of their own, they will treat them as we treated them – generously with love, but having the courage to apply appropriate boundaries at each age, and be able to defend them as necessary.

We model the people our children become, and by showing them that we like to spend time with them on a daily basis, we also show them that they are worth everything to us.