The role of grandparents

The role of the grandparents in your daughter’s life cannot be under-estimated. A grandparent and often the grandmother in the case of the daughter can be a crucial support for both daughters and mothers as she straddles both generations and can be the provider of her wisdom and experience.

At various stages in your daughter’s life, grandparents can take on a significant role. It is often the case that grandparents nowadays are involved in their grandchildren’s lives from a very early age. Quite often grandparents are asked by their daughters to take on childcare responsibilities, instead of the family resorting to the use of the nanny. Although this can be exhausting for the grandparents, it can bring huge rewards. It also provides a continuity of childcare throughout the generations and more important the passing on of a similar value system and moral code. A close relationship is forged between the child and the grandparent in the child’s formative years and this bond lasts a lifetime.

As your daughter grows up, grandparents can offer advice and support to you as a parent on the challenges of parenting, especially in the teenage years. It is helpful too as a parent to be reminded of your own teenage behaviour once upon a time! In my own experience I find that my daughters often call my mother for advice about all number of things -from asking questions about various homework assignments, to calling up to chat about issues that they do not necessarily want to discuss with me! A grandparent can offer a more objective voice at times and also a grandparent will often back up you as a parent in subtle and supportive way.

In an ideal world therefore, I would recommend that you try to ensure that your daughter spends regular and quality time with her grandparents and to ensure that you enable them to spend quality time with one another. The grandparent-grandchild relationship is an especially precious one and it it should be nurtured and developed and is mutually rewarding for all parties concerned

Tricky Situations

Separation

In the case of a recent separation or divorce between two parents, your daughter is often suffering greatly and she cannot always understand the problems of an adult world. Grandparents at this time, can step in and offer valuable additional support and can often provide an additional home or place where your daughter can feel safe and secure. Encourage your daughter to turn to her grandparents where necessary, allow her to be a grandchild, to feel loved and occasionally spoilt and let her know there is someplace else where she can go and process her emotions. As a parent, if you are going through a marital break-up, do allow your parents to support you and the children. Their support for the whole family cannot be underestimated. Swallow your pride and allow them to take on this role for all of you. Your parents love you, just as you love your own children and will do their utmost to help you through the most tricky of situations.

Difficult Grandparents

The world is made up of very different people with different expectations and value systems. Sometimes, your child’s grandparents do not share your views on life and current parenting techniques. This can sometimes be the case with the “in-laws” , but it is important to try to forge a relationship with your child’s grandparents even if they are tricky. Establish the ground rules as early as you can and try to stick to them. For example, try to set up a monthly visit to allow them to see their grandchildren. You can decide where and when you should meet. Try to agree what the rules are with regard to your parenting rules and theirs.

If there are difficulties with your in-laws do discuss this as sensitively as you can with your partner so that you both work together for the benefit of your children. However, if you find that the visits are unbearable try to seek some professional help, for example from a family therapist to see whether you can facilitate some regular contact for the sake of your children. As your children grow older you don’t want them to criticise you as a parent for depriving them of their grandparents; equally as your children grow into their teenage years and beyond, they will begin to be able to make their own decisions about whether they want to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Geography

Gone are the days where extended families live very closely together and distance can make the relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren very complicated. If your daughter’s grandparents live far away, encourage them to maintain regular contact by telephone, MSN or even Facebook! Your daughter can teach her grandparents to fathom out the new technologies – just as my 10 year old daughter taught her grandmother to text!

When your child’s grandparents live in a different country or part of the country, just as with all long distant relationships, the time spent together between grandparent and grandchild is often intense due to the infrequency of the visits. Do make allowances for the visiting grandparents and try to make the visits as enjoyable as possible. Research what local activities are going on in your local area, find out what is on at the cinema and save up some enjoyable activities to do together whenever a visit comes up. In that way, both parties can look forward to the visit with excitement.

As your daughter grows up try to develop a relationship where she can spend quality time with her grandparents, such as a weekend away with them. This can also provide the parents with some much needed respite!

Working Grandparents

Many grandparents are still working full time, which means that their time is limited and that they do not want to take on the additional responsibilities of looking after their grandchildren. It is important to respect working grandparents and not assume that they are there at your beck and call. They have done their child rearing and they are not obliged to do it a second time around! Most working grandparents will be amenable to being the “back up” and will welcome quality time with their grandchildren, but on their terms. Remember – what is crucial in all relationships is the need to communicate clearly and to be respectful of one another.