Why does my daughter disagree with everything I ask her to do?

Q. My 10 year old daughter disagrees with everything I ask her to do.  Requests are ignored until I lose my temper or punish her.  She then cries because she’s been punished but doesn’t appear to see the cause and effect.  I’ve written a list of things she has to do in the morning before school.  She fails to follow it so we’re scrambling around at 8.30 while she brushes her teeth and combs her hair (things she’s promised she’s already done until she’s proved to be lying).  I’m at a loss as to how to improve our relationship and get her to see reason.

A. Your daughter is at a difficult age – she is at the top of her Junior School and is therefore enjoying the responsibility of being one of the older pupils.  She may well be feeling very grown up at school but then, at home, she is still being treated as a little girl (which is what she is in many ways!).

I think it would be interesting for you to find out from her teachers at school how she behaves there – is she keen to please, follow instructions, does she volunteer to help or take responsibilities in the classroom? If you do find that she is showing this behaviour in school do not be downhearted that she is not doing it at home as well – it just shows that she can behave appropriately when she wants to.

It is quite normal for the morning to be a busy time and therefore I would advise that you keep confrontation to an absolute minimum.  Clearly she must get dressed and get to school on time but, beyond that, choose the issues that are really important and focus solely on them.

Perhaps you might identify a more conciliatory time to discuss these issues with her and find out if there is any reason behind this behaviour.  It might be that all her friends at school are wearing their hair in a different way and she wants to be like them or it may just be that she is objecting about being told what to do. You will need to discuss the issues with her when she is in the mood to listen and agree a strategy with you.  She is clearly flexing her muscles – trying to assert herself as a young adult and inevitably kick against parental authority – I am afraid there will be a lot more of this to come in future years so be prepared!

She may also be doing this simply to get a reaction from you, so it would be good for her to feel that she has lots of opportunity for your attention and positive reinforcement of what she is doing.   Rather than making her a list and giving it to her, perhaps you could discuss and agree the list together and give her positive reinforcement when she does things properly and as you want.  It is important that you try to see things from her perspective as well as expecting her to see your point of view.  Of course you are the adult with the ultimate responsibility but she is beginning to mature and develop into a young adult herself and she needs to feel that you understand that and are accommodating it.  Rewarding jobs that she does at home – perhaps with extra privileges or rewards that she will appreciate – should go a long way to encouraging good behaviour in the future.