Talking to your teen - boyfriends and boy friends...

Q. My daughter has never had any male friends before but recently she has been going into town with boys. This is a big change for me and I still cannot believe that my little girl is growing up. She is almost 15 but one of the boys is 2 years older than her and she has been going into town with just him. I am comfortable with her going into town in a large group but occasionally it is just the two of them. My daughter thinks I am being too controlling just because I asked her a few questions about where they went and questions about him. I really don’t understand why she is annoyed at me.

A. Fifteen is a very awkward ‘inbetween’ time when many girls are desperate to distance themselves from the little girls they used to be and to become the older girls they think they already are. It is a time when the hormonal complications of growing up mean that the decision-making process is even harder and adult decisions seem tantalising without any comprehension of the accompanying responsibilities. It is also natural for some girls to seek out older boys, not least because they are often taller and have the attraction of being part of the ‘grown up world’. A two year gap in later life would not even merit a comment, but at this age has a tantalising appeal that then elevates your daughter by association.

It is a big change and your daughter is indeed growing up, but this does not mean that her growing, nurturing years of needing parental love and support are coming to an end, far from it. It is a time when she will need to come to you but you approaching her may well be met with resentment and moodiness. Moodiness is the domain of the teen and for some they feel that theirs is a unique experience which could never be understood by an ancient parent. To some extent they are right, growing up in today’s world is a very different one to the twenty to thirty years ago where the ease of communication through BBMs, nudges and texts accelerate the spread of news faster than ever was imagined back then. Of course, in other ways they are wrong and relationships go through the same cycles of elation, misunderstanding, and disappointments as they always have. It is hard to feel that the relationship you have with your daughter is changing, but that does not have to be for the worse.

Asking questions is fine, but it is worth remembering that tone, body language and frequency are all likely to be analysed to the nth degree, so less is more. Consistency is everything for the moody girl who knows it all at this point, so be there for her and accept her annoyance for now. She may well not even know herself why she feels as annoyed as she does, but if you are consistently there for her if, when she encounters situations that make her want to back out of the grown up world she knows she can still be the girl that you will comfort. It is so hard not to react when doors are slammed and short, angry retorts are made, but confrontation will never produce the communication that you currently desire. If your daughter is rude to you, don’t accept it, but calmly state that it is unacceptable and stop the conversation, walk away! She is old enough to know when she has overstepped the mark.

In terms of the relationship with the boy, it might not necessarily be a boyfriend. It is certainly a cool thing for girls to have boys to hang out with, with no particular relationship in mind. If it is a potential boyfriend then the best thing you can do is do all you can to continue to nurture a daughter with strong self-esteem who will not accept being treated less than she deserves. You could accidentally on purpose try to watch one of the ‘Made in Chelsea’ type programmes with her and a comment about a particularly feisty girl on there could give you an insight into where her feelings lie at present. The best approach is to look for opportunities to side step into a conversation rather than tackle one head on. Your daughter is growing up and you need to allow her to grow with the best support possible. The relationship is changing, and will continue to change, but it does not mean losing anything and could mean gaining a great deal.