My daughter doesn't have any friends

Having your daughter unhappy because she doesn’t have friends is heart rending as you watch her confidence ebb away and send her off to school each day after the enforced cheerfulness of breakfast.

How can you best support her?

• Acknowledge that not having friends at school is tough. Don’t be dismissive of how she feels and, if appropriate, share your own experiences with her-most of us have some experience of feeling we don’t “belong”.
• If she has friends out of school, make sure she has plenty of contact with them so that she knows that she has people who like her and accept her.
• Talk to her about her day at school-which are the most difficult times? Before school? Breaks? Lunchtimes?
  Offer some practical suggestions:
• If being in the form room before school when everyone else is chatting in groups, where else could she go? The library? Another room? Can she make sure she’s got something to do so she’s not just sitting there?
• At breaks and lunchtimes, what clubs or extra curricular activities could she go to? Art club? Spanish club? Table tennis? She may claim not to know what’s on offer and you may need to contact the school to get the details but, if she can find something to do for most lunchtimes, it’ll help fill that lonely void between lunch and the start of afternoon school-and she might find a like-minded friend.
• Are there any opportunities for her to help other pupils? Listening to younger ones read? Help coach sports? Help in the library?
• Can she get involved with a drama production-volunteering to help backstage if not actually performing-or handing out programmes for the concert?
• Can she identify any other girls who seem to be by themselves? They could agree to meet up at break-they may not become particular friends but there’s comfort in having the arrangement.
• Are there any new girls who seem to be on their own and might like someone to help them settle in?

As a parent, the real difficulty is that your daughter’s confidence is likely to be very low. She’ll find making the kind of approaches mentioned above too difficult and may just say no to anything you suggest-not least because she’s afraid of failing again.

If you’ve reached that stage, you probably need to speak with the school-with one of the staff in charge of pastoral care. They are best placed to quietly help your daughter in school and they can unobtrusively arrange things for her to be involved in. Hopefully, then, her confidence will increase and she’ll be able to make friends for herself.