No way to treat a friend...

Q. My year 8 daughter has a group of friends and at the moment when she walks to meet them (at break for example) they giggle and run off. Two of these ‘Friends’ usually get the school bus home with her but just lately are getting a different bus and not telling her. I just do not know how to help. She is not a giggly, silly girl but her friends are, I don’t think she joins in when they are being silly. She has told me that sometimes she finds them a bit boring but obviously wants to be part of the group. She is a bright girl and does want to do well but sadly this is not seen as ‘cool’. She says she does not understand why they run off as ‘it’s no way to treat a friend’. If any one can advise me how to cope with my own feelings of hurt and concern for her I would really appreciate it. Children spend a lot of time at school and I hate to think of her as being unhappy.

A. This situation is very common indeed. In each year group in every school, there will be girls who exert their influence by controlling who can and cannot be part of their group. (I write as a Head in my ninth year of Headship and the mum of a girl in Year 8!) This is agony for girls in Years 7, 8 and 9 and needs help and intervention. In each year group they will be quite a large group who wish to be ‘cool’ and belong to this type of friendship group. However, there will be others who are sensible, kind and caring and just want to get on with their work and activities. Your daughter needs to join a group of more similar minded girls. This might be helped by joining in with some new extra curricular activities or finding different places to sit in class and at lunchtimes.

You will need to ask for the help of your daughter’s Head of Year or tutor who should talk to the girls involved and explain that this behaviour is unacceptable. If you are not happy with the outcome, go to a member of the Senior Leadership Team. If change is to happen, adult intervention will be needed. In addition, your daughter may need to be helped by you to stand up to the girls and tell them that their behaviour is unpleasant. You might suggest what she could say the next time they ignore her. I wish you luck with this difficult and upsetting situation.