Why does my daughter sabotage her friendships?

Q. Since my daughter has been a little girl (she is an only child), she has been in constant fights with her friends. As a result she is now 15 and has no friends. Her pattern is to make a friend and after a few months there are always comments such as my friend is not very nice or she did this or that…, then an argument occurs and she leaves this friend or they leave her. My daughter goes on to another friend and so on. I have talked to her on many occasions about this. We have moved countries often but I have always tried to make her feel secure. Is it that she feels insecure and sabotages her friendships?

A. One of the hardest things about friendships is learning that other people rarely do exactly what we want them to do. When we were little children, our world revolved around us, and we played with toys which stayed where we put them, and acted as we wanted them to act … real-life friends are much more interesting, but also very much more their own people. Until we realise that our friends are not just toys, or extensions of ourselves, and until we accept that there needs to be lots of tolerance and negotiation in any friendship, then we never really make lasting friendships. It sounds very much as though your daughter is caught still in a more immature approach to friendship – not because she feels insecure, but because she just hasn’t yet learned the value in not being able to control other people, but just accepting them for who they are. She may be a perfectionist – not at all uncommon! – and she would benefit from realising that imperfection is sometimes much better than perfection, certainly when it comes to relationships with other human beings. It is worth you speaking to her in these terms, showing her that you understand, and if you have any ‘wise mentors’ around to whom you think she might listen (eg your friends, aunts, her teachers and tutors, and other parents – possibly even a counsellor), then talk to them and see if they can help you to reinforce these messages. You all want her to be happy, and friendships are most definitely will be a part of this happiness, when she learns to ‘live and let live’.