Why are these girls being mean and spiteful to my daughter?
Q. My daughter is struggling to cope with unkind, repeated low-level mean behaviour of the girls at her new school. It started with petty demands about seats on the bus but has spread more generally to include the girls below and above as well as her own class. She was confident and happy at her previous school, yet now her spirit and confidence seem to be being stolen by the repeated unkind comments/non-sharing behaviour and active exclusion from the core group. She is only just turned 9 and is feeling extremely anxious about going to school at all. The school is small, and although we have flagged our concerns with them, their interventions just seemed to have aggravated the girls for getting into them trouble. Is this really “just little girls being mean” as many have said and if so, what can be done to help better integrate our daughter? She is a strong character, but friendly and kind-hearted.
A. This is a very difficult situation for you because clearly you want (and expect) your daughter to enjoy her time at school, including time on a school bus.
I think there are two issues here, which are linked but which could be dealt with separately. Firstly the bus – clearly the school cannot see what is happening on the bus and therefore it is more difficult for them to monitor it and deal with issues that arise. However they will know who is on the bus and might well be able to identify an older girl (a bit like a big sister) who would look after your daughter – either openly or subtly, as you wish – and either challenge the other girls directly or else just sit with her and thereby prevent the comments being made. Your daughter would then feel more confident about the journey and this confidence in itself might well put the other girls off identifying her for comments. Do also consider equipping her with some strategies for keeping busy and distracted on the bus – perhaps games to play or a book to read. I am not in any way condoning their behaviour – it is totally wrong for them to make her feel uncomfortable – but if you do not want the school to call in the parents of these girls then this might well be a way to deal with it. It must be taken seriously – it is precisely these times when the girls can feel uncomfortable (bus journey, break time, lunch time) as they are less structured and it can be easier to feel “left out”.
The other is the issue of being left out or unkind comments within the school – again, it might well be that there are older girls who act as buddies or peer mentors who could be brought in to help. Do encourage your daughter to get involved in lots of new clubs and activities – the more she does, the more new girls she will get to know and this will widen her circle of friends and allow her to integrate into different friendship groups. It would also be useful for you to know what is covered in PSHE lessons as friendship will probably be on the syllabus at some stage and this would be a good time for her to focus on this with you.
Clearly as a parent you want to protect her from unkindness and harsh treatment at the hands of other girls and you are quite right, however you will also help her by teaching her coping strategies – when she is older she may well have work colleagues who she does not like or get on with and these social skills will help her greatly. However this will hopefully die down once she shows that she is not affected by it – and girls are basically caring and kind creatures so hopefully it will blow over and she will start to feel better. It always takes time to settle in a new school and it may be she needs a little extra time for that to happen. Please also keep talking with the school and make them aware of this as they will be keen to do all they can to help her settle and be happy – each school has their own system for pastoral support for the girls so please ensure that you (and your daughter) know what it is and make use of it.
This article was written by Sue Goff on 05/10/2011
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Your comments
I believe that most primary and secondary schools do not take bullying very seriously and they think that the issue has been resolved when it has not which makes pupils think that they can bully that person even more which is wrong. so schools need to be more understanding!!!!!
You are right to be concerned about your daughter, whose self esteem is shrinking daily. A lot of effort goes into developing and implementing techniques to help a child cope with bullying. The challenge for most schools is in developing a pastoral system that really helps the bully to understand that their behaviour is unnacceptable & that change is mandatory, and also delivers that change. So yes, tap into the pastoral system as you have done, but do it again. You will need to be clear about what you expect to see: one of these will be teachers, possibly even the Head of that part of the school, taking a proactive lead. After all, those girls are doing what they are doing because they feel that they can get away with it, that somehow it isn’t caught by current rules.
A solution might be for the Head to stand up in daily assembly one day, and reiterate the behaviour policies of the school, including sanctions. This cuts off the excuses such as ‘I didn’t know’ and creates a level playing field for all of the children. Keep track of what happens after that point, and if you encounter a problem, make sure that the school knows about it, straight away, and in writing. If the Head gives an immediate response and calls in both affected parties to his or her study, and asks to discuss the issue, it’s amazing how fast this sort of situation can be turned around. I have been amazed how a bullying child will, when sat in front of child X and asked by Head of Junior School ‘did you say/do something hurtful to X?’, readily admit it and explain what happened. Apologies usually follow swiftly and they walk out as friends. None of the above needs to be confrontational, but it will get to the point where the bully will decide the behaviour at issue isn’t worth the hassle.
I’d also suggest that you think of an out of school activity or three where she can work to achieve some successes, and where school peers aren’t necessarily involved. Perhaps swimming badges at a local swimming pool? Encourage her to take in badges to school to show her teacher, maybe they let them wear pin badges in the collar of a school shirt for a day, or announce successes in assembly. This will let her re-discover her sense of self-esteem for herself.
On a different track, have a think about what makes her a strong character, but kind hearted and friendly – your words. Think about things that she can say and do in school to get across the kind-hearted side of her. Talk about events of the day, and discuss what she could say, and give her encouragement for this – her form teacher could also be brought on board to give recognition for being kind and caring, or listening well that day. Schools often give day or week reward badges for this sort of thing?
Just some ideas – hope they help :)