Handbags & gladrags - being in with the in-crowd

Why is Jill Berry stating the obvious? of course girls care what they look like it is completely normal!

I agree completely with the views that Jill Berry has shared. None of us really know what we are doing first time round but I agree that children need to feel that their feelings, views, needs and wants are as valid as anyone elses. Sometimes it’s hard to be objective when these clash with ours but we have found that our girls are growing up to be confident, secure and independent young women because they know that although we my not agree with some of their views, we know that the things that are important to them are important! Fashion, friends, boys, make up, MSN, 90210, texting, exam results, GCSE options, music, sport, many more and all not necessarily in that order! This gives them the strength to disagree, discuss, say yes or no, and make difficult decisions (which GCSE’s, should I go out with him, should I ignore her, does this skirt look ok, should I apologise to my teacher because I did something really stupid in class?)I don’t kid myself we have the perfect relationship but I do think it’s very dangerous to force your views and opinions (chidren love their prents and ultimately want to please them). It’s unhelpful to insult other girls (show horses) and just makes this an uncomfortable dilemma should your girls ideas on fashion and make up change.Just because you’ve managed to contain your girls so far doesn’t mean you understand them better, it means you’ve reduced their possible life experiences whilst being in the safety of their own family, where boundries are set and where they could be getting some really useful advice.

I can’t think of many things better than sitting in a coffee shop with my girls having a latte / hot chocolate, after a shopping trip, discussing how long it’s going to take to save up to get ALL those things from Hollister and Jack Wills, in which case, probably don’t need them all! Oh and “mum I think I might choose triple science and geography for GCSE actually” and “that mascara I bought was a real rip off, it looked so good in the ad!”

Jill Berry has obviously met my daughter! Jill’s advice is sound and very much what we are striving to achieve.

Pure common sense. The real world is a complex and challenging place and I for one am pleased that my daughter will go into it well prepared and well informed. The proposition from “father of two” that a child should be taught to never to admire another person or never to look up to anyone is complete and utter tosh. The motivation to achieve is seeded in our admiration of great thinkers, achievers, heroes and heroines. If a child is deprived of the opportunity to look up to anyone (err let me think, Amelia Earhart, Marie Curie, Mahatma Gandhi, Neil Armstrong) what on earth will her model of aspiration be? Furthermore to teach a child to be very suspicious of people who look and behave differently is an intolerant and downright disturbing thought.

The advice given by Mrs Berry seems sensible enough to me. All girls face these periods of self discovery and as long as you continue to discuss the important values beneath the surface they tend to find a more balanced view on fashion and looks as they grow older.

The response from the home schooling parent is completely ridiculous.
He is so negative about the world in which we live and is passing this on to his daughters by banning TV and being so controlling over what they wear.

He says “we have taught them never to admire another person, never to look up to anyone, to treat all people equally and be very suspicious of people who take pains to look and behave differently” This is very sad. There are always people to look up to and admire and not because of the way they look and what they wear but for who they are and what they may have achieved. I am sure they are many female scientists who still like to have their haircut and buy the odd extravagant pair of shoes or handbag. It doesn’t make them bad people.

I’m with you Jill. “We have taught them never to admire another person, never to look up to anyone” what utter nonsense. This chap’s sheltered girls will find it hard to adjust to the real world once they are out there.
I believe the best route is to talk to them and discuss the pressures in a lighthearted way, to give them a blanced view. Don’t constrain, give freedom but with clear guidelines and advice – it has worked for us.

I love my daughter and want her to succeed in today’s world and that means mixing in it and evaluating the good and bad. I am sure Dame Alice contributes strongly to achieving balanced values which will help throughout her life.
I agree that Mrs Berry’s advice is balanced and sensible.

Mrs Berry’s advice seems very sensible and balanced to me. I don’t see why you have to go to such extremes as banning television. That’s not normal. And why shouldn’t people want to dress or behave differently as the father of two states? If we all looked and behaved the same that would be rather dull.

Your advice is worse than useless on the issue of advising girls that their value should not be a function of looks and possessions etc.

I am a father of two girls (11,13) both of whom attend independent schools. until age 11 my wife and I (a former teacher) taught them at home. We knew at the outset that the issue of appearance, materialism and fitting in with other girls would one day rear its ugly head, this is how we dealt with it.

The biggest problem is TV, so we removed ours 13 years ago! Our girls have not seen a single commercial or any children’s TV. We got it into their heads that clothing with any writing/logos on the outside is plain stupid and to be avoided. They never go shopping with us so they are immune from the junk on offer and hence have no desire to own stuff.

They always wear supermarket clothes, cheap, functional and basic. They wear trainers only for sport and are critical of accessories, mobile phones, make-up and rarely admire themselves in mirrors.

My daughters are critically minded, we have taught them never to admire another person, never to look up to anyone, to treat all people equally and be very suspicious of people who take pains to look and behave differently (the queen, the pope, supermodels, tramps etc)

It is only by being fiercely confident and self-assured that young people can avoid the pressures to conform. These can only be taught at home, away from other children and at a very young age. Which is why your advice on instructing a pre-teen that she should not judge her worth by her looks/possessions is worse than useless, actually it just makes her feel like you don’t understand her.

My daughters mix with wealthy children who wear clothes with writing on the outside (Nike, D&G), my 13 year-old still wears plain Tesco clothes. She is not fazed in the least by the show horses she mixes with, in fact they admire her and respect her hugely, as do the teachers. When I collect her and we both cycle off on our bikes she loves the freedom that the show horses don’t get in their confused, corporate owned heads.