Piercings: dealing with your daughter's requests
This article was inspired by a parent who asked MyDaughter for advice.
Q It’s not really an education question but I would very much appreciate advice on how I might be able to dissuade my daughter from having her ears stretched into those big loops. I think it is called tunneling. She’s 16 and just about to start in the sixth form and says it’s her body but I worry that her ears will be deformed for life. I know she is worried about her appearance and don’t want to stop her doing anything she feels will give her confidence – I’ve suggested other less intrusive piercings if she must – but she is dead set on having huge holes in her ears. Persuasion and argument haven’t worked and I’m tempted to lay the law down and say she will have to move out if she has it done but then what if she does and ends up on the streets? You’ll probably think it not a question for headteachers but I thought I’d give it a try.
A You have my sympathy – I and multitudes of other parents have had similar experiences. All too often our daughters disregard our advice and pleas, adamant that they know best, that they will always feel the way they do now and that we can’t possibly understand. A couple of suggestions: check whether parents’ approval is needed for what sounds like a very invasive procedure for an under 18 year old; try the “what will this look like when you’re 40?” tack; perhaps suggesting she imagines what you’d look like with the same piercings. I think you’re wise to avoid making threats that you wouldn’t want to carry out such as asking her to move out. In the end she’s your daughter, you clearly love her and are communicating effectively even if she is maintaining her own position.
So many girls and young women lack confidence, particularly in their appearance. Peer groups and the media can make the most gorgeous girl feel inadequate despite parental reassurance. Perhaps you could offer her some shopping money to buy new clothes or accessories so she can start sixth form with a fresh wardrobe? Occasionally bribery is an acceptable strategy!
Finally, on a personal note, each of my daughters went ahead – one had a piercing and the other a tattoo against my very best advice. Now in their 20s they tell me I was right all along!
Your comments
Over the past three months our 14 year old daughter behavour has deteriorated and she has become rude , disrespectful and uncaring. We discovered the other day that she had her upper ear pierced against our wishes and has no interest in communicating apart from being arrogant. On the positive side she continues to focus upon her homework and participate in sport. Does this resonate with anybody and any good tips that may have worked.
My 13 year old daughter, who had lovely pierced ears of which I thoroughly approved went out and got her belly button and upper ear cartlidge pierced without my knowledge. I was furious because she had gone somewhere that they didn’t ask her age (should be 16) and I was frightened of infection etc. I was also really upset because she knew how I felt about the issue and I thought she was doing it just to wind me up! 3 months down the line the cartlidge has been removed and actually I quite like the belly bar and wish my stomach was flat enough to look that good!! She says it was peer pressure and not to upset me so perhaps we shouldn’t always be so sensitive!It’s really hard to get the balance right with these things but I often think if things are reversible it sometimes works best to let them have a trial – but I would die if she came home with a tatoo!!!
My daughter was desperate for ‘snakebite’ piercings at age 13, so I said when you are older, when you can afford it and if school allows, go ahead. I was hoping by not objecting, she’d grow out of it! She went ahead and had them done at 17… this year, aged nearly 19, she took them out before going for a job at an American summer camp, saying it wasn’t ‘her’ any more. I didn’t object too much because I remember clearly being 16 and wanting my nose pierced, waaaaay before it was fashionable. It didn’t even occur to me to ask my mother and in the end I chickened out. I think if you don’t make a fuss of these things, then they don’t seem so exciting to your daughter.
I personally not too keen on tattoos or piercings but I always say to my daughters ‘you can do what you like when you are 18’.
I think there are far more horrible things young people could choose to do (being mean, steal etc). At the end of the day, their personallity stays the same with or without tattoo and therefore in the grander scale of things it’s not that important.
Saying to your daughter that she won’t look nice in a wedding dress is rather sexist I think. As if, because you are a female, you are supposed to conform and look all ‘lovely’ on your wedding day. Why do we keep insisting that girls should look nice? Isn’t it more important that they are intelligent, witty, caring etc? Who cares about the way you look?
My daughter is desperate to have her tongue pierced! I am normally fairly laid back or I would like to think that I am but I do not want her to start on this tack, She has resisted piercing her ears and anywhere else for that matter. I would not like her to do so. Bribery??? Or what??
Does anyone have any suggestions? It would be helpful if the School could back Parents up on this and have a No piercing and No Tattoo Policy.
A friend of mine said to her 19 yo daughter when she showed up with a huge tattoo across her upper back: “There is going to be a day in your life when you’d wish you never done this – that’s when you’ll realise you can’t wear that gorgeous wedding dress…”
Expanding your ear can heal, true it leaves a bit of scarring but it basically goes back to the way it was before
I don’t think parents should get too agitated about this issue. I have two teenage daughters (plus a teenage boy who has his nose pierced), and my approach has always been no ear stretching, and tattoos that are ugly and in prominent places. None of them have any tattoos, but one of my daughters wants one on her foot, and I wouldn’t object to this. This is a cultural issue, and my kids are all ‘indie’, and are intelligent, the two older ones at university, sensitive and musical, and so are thier friends, which I am happy with. They are a bunch of fun-loving, happy kids, and if thats the group that they wish to belong to, then thats fine with me, even if they do have some piercings and tattoos.