Why has my daughter had a facial piercing?

Q. My 18 year old daughter has had a facial piercing. Why? I hate it, how should I react? We have always had a close relationship which we love so I really cannot understand this.

A. Like it or not facial piercings and piercings in other places are features of certain fashion trends in today’s society. You will be aware that every generation discovers a way to express their differences from those who have come before; for them they are fresh, new, dynamic, and different and perhaps most importantly individuals. A whole group of friends could all have identical piercings and haircuts, but for them they are making their mark as an individual to be noticed, listened to and set apart. It is also sometimes considered to be a mark that they are to be taken seriously, have a dangerous edge and for some girls it can be an ‘anti-pretty’ statement that they are not all pink and fluffy.

Given that you have a close relationship, I certainly wouldn’t take this move as anything to jeopardise that. A strong relationship between mother and daughter can survive different opinions on things such as piercings; how you react to it will be the key. The transition from little girl to young woman means that she is making her decisions and will also have to live with the consequences of them. This is as true for dodgy relationships as it is for a pierced eyebrow and so being consistent in your relationship will put you in a far stronger place for your opinions to continue to be respected. Perhaps don’t reject the piercing, but maybe find out a little about looking after it so that it can be removed discretely for job and college interviews if needs be. You could go so far as to buy a tasteful replacement that you can be assured is made of good metal and therefore will treat her skin kindly. That might certainly be an unexpected move. If there is an important event on the horizon such as an interview where you think the piercing might be frowned upon then pick your moment carefully, and ask whether or not it is staying in. Eruptions might happen, but in the right context and with gentleness, a good conversation might be able to take place about it. It could be that at this point of emerging from her years of schooling this is a chance to shake off the uniform code to make her own choices – it is certainly not uncommon for us to see a spate of piercings attempting to creep in at the end of sixth form.

The most important thing is to realise that this move is certainly no challenge to your relationship, on the contrary, you could see that perhaps she feels you respect her as an individual and the choices she has made up to this point. The likelihood is that the piercing will not be around for long and even if it is, you can hold onto the good relationship you have established.