School refusers - 'another duvet day'

My son is a school refuser,have ben going round in circles with the referral process,very frustrating for all.Am waiting for a visit from police liaison officer at the moment,son in bed refusing to get up.He was told by his head of year on a home visit that the officer was coming today to drag him into school!This made his anxiety and behaviour even worse ,not surprisingly.Am quite disillusioned by the schools response,too many threats not enough support which seems to be the case in many refusal situations.Very reassuring to read other similiar stories,hoping for a positive outcome in the end.

I’ve been crying as I read all the stories, so similar to ours that I wish I had come across this website months ago. My daughter’s problems started when she was bullied by her so called best friends, they then went on to turn the whole year group against her. She was a happy, confident and bubbly girl before all the bullying and now hides away from everyone. The school did not do enough initially to help stamp it out and everytime she went into school there was more trouble – the school said they couldn’t do anything as there were no witnesses. I really believe that if the school had done more to help in the first few weeks, we wouldn’t be in the trouble we are today. She started to attend school less and less and then stopped going to proper lessons. The doctor was very sympathetic and referred her to the mental health children’s centre. She got her hands on some tablets and took some, only 6 but it was her intention which was more worrying. And after that tried again 2 weeks later. From there, we had the crisis team involved who were great and came out to see her every day. We then had ongoing family counselling at home, which if nothing else helped me to be able to say the right things to her and for me just to take one day at a time and not catastrophise everything. We went on holiday but she cried and cried all day long, it was heartbreaking. Eventually, the school agreed for her to work in isolation and she attended school 2 hrs a day, not always every day and learned independently from June-Dec last year. The education welfare officer got involved saying she needed to attend daily for the agreed 2 hrs and then eventually increase that time, but easier said than done. I felt I was being pulled in so many directions and the strain was terrible although of course you have to stay strong for your children. As it wasn’t showing any signs of improvement, I applied for new schools hoping that this would be the answer – she was refused by one school for her attendance and ‘challenging behaviour’ – I was so cross I cannot tell you – challenging behaviour for being the victim of bullying?! Eventually we got an offer of a place at a lovely school and they appeared to be very helpful and caring before she started, but she started there in January and after attending every day for two weeks, has had a breakdown. She is once again suicidal, cannot see any future, hates herself and her life. The professionals have prescribed anti-depressants and are organising lots of help. I am a single parent and the constant worry of 1) her well-being 2) her education has been so stressful. Like others, I have used the bargaining-tool, we are now the proud owners of a mad 9 month old spaniel which was supposed to cheer her up, plus many other things. I run around at weekends and after work trying to cheer her up, organising outings, or really just trying to get her out and about in the fresh air and sunshine so that she is not sitting about all day, but nothing seems to work and my batteries are well and truly dead, I feel I have no more resources to give her. It has taken this long to get the help that she really needed right at the beginning. After the holiday and crying every day, I knew she needed something but they wouldn’t listen. I always have the feeling that people at work and family think it’s been my fault she hasn’t attended school in the past, even the counsellor said as much – if I’d been firmer with her etc etc, but they do not understand unless they have had a child go through this. Even my daughter’s father who I am separated from thinks it is my fault!! All I can pray for now is that my lovely daughter gets better soon and can eventually go on to realise her full potential.

My daughter started with anxiety issues about going to school in February 2011 just after half term. Each morning she would be in floods of tears at the thought of having to go in and stay at school for a whole day or would feign being ill so she could stay off. I thought I was the only one going through this. At first I thought the school were brilliant and they would allow her to pick and choose what time she came in and when she went, then she wanted to go on a school trip and so she had to start going to lessons properly in order to go. I know she has no separation issues from not being with me as I have always worked, but she does worry about things that she shouldn’t even have to worry about. We live with my mum after a relationship breakdown and this is the only reason I know I can leave her and not worry at work. My employers were also fantastic and let me almost come and go as I needed, but I am a manager and cannot keep taking the time off work as much as I want to I cannot afford to. We have been referred for counselling for my daughter which I’m hoping helps but no-one has mentioned this condition to me except a colleague at the hospital I work at who generally asked how my children were and so I told her. She has told me of a school nearby that teaches ‘school phobics’ which I will be looking into for my daughter. She’s not really sure what to make of it and like most comments on here she’s frustrated at not being able to cope. I find it heartbreaking when she’s sobbing on me and she doesn’t know why she’s crying. I feel useless in my inability to help her, yet I know by allowing her the time off I’m probably helping more than the professionals.

We’ve had the same problem with my daughter for over 7 years (she’s now 13), and finally on Thursday we saw a child psychiatrist who said she has general anxiety disorder, whereas earlier this year our doctor told us she was just being naughty. Throughout this year its at its worst – we’ve had the school & the local education authority sending us letters & no end of meetings. Until I hear further I have to take her to school wondering if she’s going to hurt herself or me . Since the start of term she has only done a week.

I am just home from a school meeting concerning my 14 year old daughter who has refused to go to school for over a year. She does attend on and off, but lately her anxiety has got worse. Her fear is of others and their negative behaviors, pupils and teachers alike. She worries someone will do something to her and she will be exposed, noticed and made a totally fool of. I have done everything possible as a Mum to help my daughter. Other professionals are involved and they all say the same thing….‘she has to want to go back to school enough’….‘she has to do this for herself’….‘it would be more wrong to not pressure her to go to school than to allow her to stay at home’. They have no real idea. My daughter wants with all her heart to go to school and simply cannot. Her fears over power her, her anxieties take over her. It’s just not as easy as making her go to school. Today I feel I am now up against the school and other professionals as well as up against this terrible condition my daughter has. At the end of the day, my daughters welfare and well being is the most important thing to me, and I know and understand what she is going through. I am encouraged to read the articles from other families, and this has helped me more than anything so far. So many thanks to everyone who has shared.

My son has had problems with anxiety since age 5, this has steadily got worse over the years. We have had counselling, support from our doctor and the SENCO and a number of teaching staff over the years. We have tried Hypnotherapy but nothing seems to work. Our son is now suffering from severe anxiety disorder, social phobia and agrophobia. he sits in the house all day every day and has been school refusing on and off for years. He is now 17 and the school has just taken him off their roll as he has missed too much of the course to catch up. Have run out of ideas of what to do. This makes family life so stressful and frustrating and has a knock on effect for other siblings in the house. Finding help and support is very difficult and other parents at school think your child is ‘badly behaved’ – this is not the case. There must be some kind of support out there but I’ve yet to find it.

I can’t quite believe that I’ve come across this website, almost all of the comments on here is the situation i find myself and my daughter in daily – she just refuses to attend school it is her first year in comprehensive and the stress and feelings of bewilderment are unreal. I am glad to know i’m not alone in this, however soul destroying it’s always good to hear other peoples opinions and advice..

This is my first time to this site..referred from a very trusting caring friend. My daughter is 14 and has refused school now on and off since her first year in high school,i am lost on how to help her. People everywhere tell me “just make her go..punish her for not going “. I know there are deeper problems and refuse to punish my child for her feelings,its just not the way. I am trying to get to the bottom of what has caused this but it is so hard when she cries and says..i don’t know mum,i just wanna stay with you. I know she won’t entertain boarding school as she fears leaving me, but my next step now is to show this site to her school counselor in hope it will help. Thank you to all who have written here..for helping me to know that my daughter and i are not alone.

My son is a school refuser, he gets dressed for school, comes in the car but then refuses to get out of the car. We have had problems for a year now, he had massive problems at his first primary school and this sems to be where it all started, he was out of school for 4months, we eventually took the decision to do a managed move to another primary school and this worked, he eventually went in fulltime a month before the end of the summer term. He was looking forward to starting secondary school and went in happily the first day, enjoyed it but then it all started again. He has told me “i’m dumb”, he’s not at all but has very low self esteem. I’ve already been told that he has me wrapped round his little finger but i dont know what else to do, I’m scared he’s going to end up at a school for children with behavioral problems!!

i am struggling to help my 14 yr old return to school.She opted out last year ater a separation and divorce and subsequent refusal to see her father. I have tried counselling psychologists , psychiatrists youth workers even distance education all of which have been a failure. She says she wants to fix it her self,and is angry at any attempt i make. In desperation i contacted lifeline one day ,they said be grateful you know where she is and is not using drugs! I am even starting to see this as a positive now,but was horrified at the time
I am so stressedfor her, i have 3 other kids who are going along ok.
There has been lots of bargaining ie give me this and i will go or do some work. Sometimes it seems maniputlative ,but in the middle of the night when she is awake and sad or talking to me i know she is a little girl lost.
Have thought about boarding but the school wouldn’t entertain that for fear she would run away,she is a good girl,but who would have predicted this for her as a pathway.

We are in a similar situation. Our daughter has extreme anxiety, won’t get out of bed, refuses school – has been this way off and on since pre school. The situation has worsened with time. She is now 16 won’t get out of bed, has had cbt, is on anxiety medication and now says that she will not go back to school – she wants a job or course to go to. How can she hold down a job if she can’t get to school? I am interested in the fact that boarding helped. We have wondered if this could be a viable option for her. There is not much understanding out there of the condition. It is painful and difficult for the sufferer and the parents.

Our daughter has now left school as a happy girl. She sat some exams – not as many as we hoped, but more than seemed likely a year ago, and has gained a place on a foundation course, which should lead to a university course next year.

It has been a long, hard 5 years, but she is now feeling far more self-assured and confident about her future.

The school she attended have much to be proud about.

I am so glad to have read this article because I thought that we were the only one. I prefer the label of school refuser than bunking off, my daughter is 14 and attending 3 days out of 5 and late every day….It is so frustrating but now I am trying to stay calm. I am going through process of finding help, not an easy task…..I have an added problem, my daughter is in a very pressured Grammar school, she doesn’t want to change to a comprehensive and we cannot afford the local private school…Anyway not sure that it’s the school that has to be changed more the positive attitude of all concerned..