School refusers - 'another duvet day'

School refusal, or phobia, is sometimes confused with truancy. However, this is not a situation where the child ‘bunks off’ school to go shopping, or hang about the town centre. Imagine a child who simply refuses to get out of bed. Imagine the frustration and bewilderment that the parent feels. And, most of all, imagine the massive feelings which have led to one’s child taking such a dramatic step.

A parent writes:
“Our daughter had a very difficult school trip, aged 13, and this seemed to be the tipping point when she stopped attending school regularly – and then refused to attend at all. For our daughter was a ‘school refuser’.

At about this time, my daughter was encouraged to keep a diary which she chose to do in pictorial form. When I saw it, I was appalled. Appalled and frightened. The pages were black. Words such as ‘I hate myself’ and ‘There’s no point in living’ leapt out at me. I needed help. We all needed help. And we were not getting it. I took the book to a senior social worker. It was clear she did not understand the problems we were facing. ‘She has got you round her finger’, she said. But others, including our doctor, did understand.

Various coping mechanisms were attempted or explored – threats of penalties, rewards, advice on outcomes, etc. Deadlines came and went, punishments implemented. Nothing seemed to improve the situation. Meetings were held with the school. Special provisions were offered and put in place: first in line for meals; come in late; leave early; private room for study; and more.

It was after one of these meetings that I met one of the deputy head teachers outside the school, and he confided that his brother had been a school refuser. Later, I was to meet a chief executive of a children’s charity, and discovered that her niece had a similar problem. ‘School Phobia’, or ‘School Refusal’ seemed to be a bigger problem than I had imagined, but little was being done about it. Where were we to get help?

It became clear that our child’s needs were not being met by the local secondary school’s support systems. Whilst they did care and did try, this was just too big for them. We tried the local health service. Our doctors are excellent. The nursing staff is first class – but all seemed unable to help.

Whilst almost all of the support agencies did try to find a solution, nothing seemed to make a difference. We felt pushed and pulled by conflicting demands, not helped, it must be said, by our daughter, who would often be uncommunicative, or even walk out of, these consultations. She found it frustrating with the continued promises of help to bring an end to her problems never seemed to work for her and left her feeling very negative about accepting help – or seeing another professional.”

A child is affected in many ways by not attending school. There is a loss of self esteem, a sense of general anxiety, an inability to travel on public transport, or separate from the parents, and a slowing in personal development.

Typical refusers may also be sensitive to the point of timidity, being unduly wounded by adverse comments from teachers, and have unrealistically high goals for themselves; they may then become excessively upset at their perceived failures.

“Throughout all of this, we had worked on the theory that if our daughter was to get back into school, she would only be able to do so if she maintained relationships with her friends. And they did try. However, as the friends dwindled, links with the local school became more tenuous.

We were aware of an independent girls’ school a little over an hour away. We had tried schools nearer our home, day and boarding, but they seemed unwilling to provide the support required. We attended a couple of meetings at the school to discuss options and were impressed by the flexibility that the school were prepared to offer and learned of other girls who had similar difficulties. After almost a year out of school, we were pleased when our daughter made a quick decision that she wanted to try this school. Initially, it was just day to day – and by no means every day. Later, she managed on overnight stay, and slowly we built up to full boarding. But even then, some days were taken as ‘duvet days’. Regular communication with school staff, encouraging texts and emails on days she stayed at home, helped maintain the links.

I am in no doubt that this school’s adaptable and very supportive approach will be the turning point on which our daughter’s future hinges. University is still some way off, as is independent living, perhaps. But we are making steady progress…”

We are not good at sharing our anxieties about our children. We are prepared to extol their virtues – but not publicise their failings. As a result, it is difficult to identify options that may help us, as parents, cope and find solutions. SchoolRefuser.org.uk is a site offering support for parents of school refusers. Its aim is to demonstrate that parents are not alone in facing this situation and to show that support is available.

Further information and help can be found at the following sites:
Anxiety Care
SchoolRefuser.org.uk

An update – July 2010
Our daughter has now left school as a happy girl. She sat some exams – not as many as we hoped, but more than seemed likely a year ago, and has gained a place on a foundation course, which should lead to a university course next year.

It has been a long, hard 5 years, but she is now feeling far more self-assured and confident about her future. The school she attended have much to be proud about.