How do I talk to my daughter about sex?

Q. My daughter aged 15+ has just started going out with her first boyfriend. Although we have discussed sex issues in the past, it has only been about STD’s etc. How do I brooch a chat about sex with her in relation to her own ideas of how she might behave in a relationship. I don’t want to embarrass her, but feel it would be irresponsible not to speak to her.

A. This is indeed a test of your courage! You could start by telling her it is not an easy conversation as you do not want to invade her privacy, but you love her, and each generation can at least consider the advice of the one before, even if they do not take it!

She will do what she and her boyfriend want – but if he is young too, and you get the feeling that they are contemplating sex, you might point out that they might both prefer to wait – in what other ways can they enjoy time together? If he is older, it is rather more important to discuss why it is illegal for him to have sex with her, and be much more discouraging generally, as she is at risk of being persuaded by a more mature sexual partner. Do discuss the age of consent with her and ensure she realises it is there as a child protection measure. It is helpful to her for her to know your views, as long as she also knows you are not trying to control her. She may well share them, and may feel more confident in expressing them to him in discussion.

Encourage her to think about the emotional issues which come with a romantic and sexual relationship, and how she and her boyfriend can protect themselves from the possible downsides (loss of freedom from deciding how to spend their time without reference to the other, likelihood of collapse of romance as they each grow up, worry over pregnancy and possible disease etc) and think about the fun of romance without a full sexual relationship, which can have most of the advantages without the snags at this age.

Don’t give them too much time together alone – parents have real responsibilities here. Warn her about the impact of alcohol on decision-making, and that a large minority of pregnancies result from occasions when no sex was planned, but it happened when one or both partners were a bit drunk. Her reputation matters, too; other people respect someone who respects their own behaviour, and news spreads.

Whatever the result of open discussions like this, you would be wise to be prepared and suggest they visit the FPA www.fpa.org.uk or similar websites.

It sounds as though you have rightly realised that it is the way we all treat each other that matters, so she should ensure she is making her decisions in the emotional context of not putting pressure on her boyfriend, or he on her, and that the two of them can together behave in ways which give them the greatest happiness in a sensible way, and does the least damage to each separately when things change for them in the future. I am sure you will emphasise that she can always ask you for advice or support, however embarrassed she might be. You will have shown her that you love her enough to have this first conversation now, however embarrassed you were to start it.