I've got something to tell you...

It is a fact that some teenagers inwardly question their sexuality and struggle to find what ‘fits’ them best. How would you react if it was your daughter…?

“How can I tell Dave I don’t want to see him any more?” – It’s easy, isn’t it, to respond to this question in a supportive and practical way.

“How can I tell him I like somebody else?” – takes a little more careful thinking.

“How do I tell him that ‘somebody else’ is another girl?” – is probably more challenging than anything you have experienced before…

When you have already seen your daughter through several romances, of varying seriousness, this one comes as a shock to say the least. The young person that you thought you ‘knew’ suddenly shows a facet to their personality that is totally unexpected and alien. The temptation is to think that she is not the daughter you thought she was. This is, of course, not true. She is still ‘yours’, still the same person, still the same member of your family. She has merely taken a different turning off the road that you had envisaged for her. It might be a little rockier that’s all! It is your role to make sure that she knows you are still there to help navigate.

It is a fact that teenagers inwardly question their sexuality and struggle to find what ‘fits’ them best. This struggle can be a painful one for some young people who cannot reconcile their feelings to what is regarded as ‘normal’. As a parent we have grown to have expectations of our children in all aspects of life. We expect them to exhibit social behaviour that is acceptable; we expect them to achieve their full educational potential; we expect them to develop personal and social skills that will help them make their way in society. How much of this is expecting them to ‘conform’ to the traditional conventions of society that were relevant in our teenage years? It has taken a long time for our society to learn to accept other ‘differences’ within our midst – disability, gender and race equality. Why should a person’s sexuality be any different?

There is a real need from young people to know that we understand their feelings and are willing to help them through what is, inevitably, a confusing time for them. We have to feel comfortable in helping them explore or come to terms with how they feel about themselves. In doing so we may also need support. Feel safe in the knowledge that you are not the first parent to be faced with this challenge, there are many local and national support groups or you may find unexpected reassurance from friends and family. Parents of gay and lesbian young people are a great ‘listening ear’. They have heard all the worries, concerns, prejudices and anxieties before and probably experienced them themselves.

Don’t expect an easy journey. There will be times when doubts and fears come to mind – but they will come as part of being a parent anyway! In the long run you must be safe in the knowledge that your daughter will ‘be’ with someone she cares for and who cares for her and that she has the confidence to deal with some of the difficult issues she may face. After all, not everybody she meets will be as understanding as we are. Never close the conversations that need to be had, ask to hear the truth from your daughter and make sure that she is happy to hear the truth from you.

www.fflag.org.uk

www.galha.org/local-helplines-and-support-groups

www.gotateenager.org.uk

Heather White
Adviser for PSHCE Education & Healthy Schools
Coventry City Council