Sex education by the wised up parent
When Wet Wet Wet sang “Love is all around” they probably meant not love but sex. Yes, it’s everywhere- TV, films, magazines, adverts, music, newspapers, novels, online- there’s hardly any escaping, and most of it is aimed at the teenage market.
Sex is so flaunted that it can’t be a surprise to anyone that many bright youngsters are keen to try it out as quickly as reasonably possible. When Mae West said of men “I feel like a million-but one at a time” she was regarded as very ‘outré’. In the 21st century there’s no need to snicker at the ‘double entendre’, it’s all out there. From ‘Friends’ casual acceptance of frequent one-night stands, to the full frontal nudity of Sex and the City, rated 15 but the film treat du choix for most of last years Year 8 and 9 birthday parties.
A striking feature of even the most intelligent teenagers is their inability to foresee consequences. So what can the concerned parent do to help them handle the immense pressure to want too much too young? It’s not easy, without nagging or sounding like the harbinger of doom, but that old chestnut ‘keeping the lines of communication open’ really is the answer:
- Watch their soaps with them and give your opinion- then listen honestly to theirs.
- Check that they really do have proper information- what did the school nurse say about contraception in PSE?
- What can your daughter tell you about sexually transmitted infections? (There are lots of new ones since most parents were young-let your daughter be the expert in giving you that information)
Tell them about some of your anonymous friends’ experiences. Was Auntie X’s abortion really pain and hassle-free? How did your colleague cope with the news that she had chlamydia, or worse? The papers are full of stories about ‘love cheats’ but how did that feel when it happened to you?
Let them know when and why you are worried. Sex was designed by nature to produce babies. Pleasing a current boyfriend is one thing, raising his child for the next 20 years is quite another. On the other hand, pelvic inflammatory disease can lead to infertility, and no babies at all, ever, can be even more devastating.
Don’t sit down for a 2 hour ‘birds and bees’ session, but chat about these things as they arise, laugh about them when you can and your young people will be grateful of the chance to discuss issues which might well be worrying them too, with someone who knows a bit more and whom they don’t have to impress.
You will never stop them having sex – but if they can keep you in the loop it is much more likely to be later and safer than it might otherwise be.
Your comments
I have two things to add, one is that I myself as a 14 year old was thinking of having sex with my 17 year old boyfriend but when he asked me if i wanted to , i had a sickening feeling and said no. I think that as long as it feels right and that you dont get that sickening feeling then its fine.
Also coming out to ur parents that you a lesbian is hard, i had to telll my mum that i was bisexual and she actualy took it well it just depends on what your parents views are on gay, bisexuals and lesbians
I think the best option is to be open…after all, so long as your daughter knows about STDs and contraception, whether she is having sex or not shouldn’t really cause a massive dent in the family.
My daughter is a boarder, in year 11. About 6 of her friends have already had sex. Some have just turned 16. They seem to think that after the PHSE talk which said that the average age was 14 that they are doing well to have waited. I am informed by my daughter constantly that the legal age is 16, and if she embarked on a relationship with a boy for some months and felt that she really loved him she would have sex with that person. Both my husband and i have talked with our daughter and expressed our feelings that while she was still studying for her gcses and a levels we would not like her to engage in a sexual relationship. What is the big hurry? We don’t mind her having a boyfriend, we’ve explained all the points that have been aired, where do we go from here? She will be 16 soon.
I believe sex education should start when children are young. It needs to be age apropriate and child led. Children are always asking questions so answer them as honestly as you can and tailored to their level of understanding. There is nothing wrong with teaching a 3 year old where babies come from if they are asking questions. In the playground my children used to hear words like condom and gay and ask me what that meant. I explained it to them the best I could. So now that they are teens, they know that they can come to me for advice. I also think that parents should vet what their children watch. Soaps and things like Big Brother are banned in my house as I don’t think they are good role models for my children. I don’t want my kids to think it is normal to cheat or lie to your friends and family and to put up with people cheating on you.
I was horrified to discover that the PSHE lessons had put my daughter off using condoms , she is only 12 but thought they would get lost I am so glad we talk about things together so the gaps get filled in.
When talking about sex education and our daughters, I think that besides all the technical information, a mother should also introduce the concept of “self esteem”. You say “no” to a pushy boyfriend because : “you are worth more “…
If your daughter “comes out” to you you clearly have a loving, open relationship with her. Well done; you’ll both need this to continue. She is still your lovely daughter, whoever she forms other loving relationships with. Good luck to both of you.
BUT WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE ??
What about lesbian relationships? How should a mother deal with her daughter “coming out”?
I see nothing but moral decadence here. No sex before marriage may be a little harsh but in my culture girls just do not sleep with a guy for the sake of experimentation, peer pressure or curiosity.