What should I be telling my daughter about sex, and when?

The ongoing debate about sex education and what should/shouldn’t be taught in schools, including the discussion about how much choice faith schools should have in what they teach about this, may have struck a chord with parents who are, themselves, debating what they should be talking to their daughters about, and when.

Sex and relationships education is recognised to be one of the trickiest subjects for parents to broach. In 2009 a survey commissioned by the Girls’ Schools Association entitled ‘How Well Do You Know Your Daughter?’ identified that across the sample of the one thousand parents of girls who responded, sex education was the most difficult topic of conversation of all. Nevertheless, most of us will recognise that nothing is as dangerous as ignorance, and failing to address the subject, or leaving it too late, could be a high risk strategy. So what should you tell your daughters, and when, and how might this dovetail into what they may be learning at school?

Firstly, ensure you know what your daughter’s school is covering and at what stage. Usually sex and relationships education (SRE), as it is now often called, will be included in Personal Social and Health Education, (PSHE). This will be complemented by what pupils might learn about reproduction in Science/Biology, but we appreciate that young people need more than the biological facts. It is in the emotional repercussions of becoming aware of, and at some stage interested in, the opposite sex which is where the real need for learning and information arises. If we do not provide this in our schools and families, girls, in particular, will turn to some of the dubious teenage magazines which are on the market, or what they think they can learn from ‘soaps’, in their attempt to find the answers.

PSHE is a school subject which deals with the range of issues beyond the formal curriculum which young people need to know about in order to lead healthy, balanced lives. The content of the school’s PSHE programme will be suited to the pupils’ age and stage of development. A well-thought out and professionally delivered PSHE programme will help young people to develop their skills so that in time they can make informed choices. It should provide accurate information and a safe forum within which to explore values and attitudes, guarding against misinformation and intolerance. Ask your daughter’s school for details so that you are aware of how SRE fits into the overall PSHE scheme.

It may be that at Junior School level, perhaps from Year 3 (age 7) onwards, SRE focusses on the ‘relationships’ element, building on what the children know about friendships and families. They may be encouraged to reflect on and learn more about feelings and behaviour. When discussing families they may well have the opportunity to consider the different kinds of family that we find in our 21st century society, and there may be some exploration of how we cope with changes in our families, something which growing numbers of children need to learn. At age 7 onwards, too, children may be taught the correct names for all parts of the human body. Later in the primary school years girls may learn about growing and changing, about puberty and what this means, the onset of menstruation, and how feelings change with the arrival of adolescence. By the end of Year 6 (age 11) and the last year of primary education it is probable that pupils have received lessons about love and what a loving relationship is, the part that sex plays in a loving relationship, and basic information about sexual intercourse, ‘safe sex’, birth control and birth itself.

If you have a daughter of Junior School age and you know what is being discussed in SRE and at what stage, you can supplement this in your own conversations with her, find out what she feels about what she is learning and whether she has any questions about it. It should be possible to do this naturally and relatively easily, without the sense that you are having an ‘Important Discussion’ and telling her things for the first time.

Parents can request that their daughters are withdrawn from SRE lessons if they feel uncomfortable about what is taught, how it is taught and at what age, and parents who wish to do this should contact the school to discuss it, but be careful. We may feel a natural impulse to protect our children and to worry about them growing up too quickly, but we have to accept that ignorance is much more harmful than knowledge, that this is all about giving them information to help them to make wise choices, and that we have to educate children rather than trying to shield them. We need our daughters to have skills and knowledge that will enable them to cope with reality, rather than attempting to keep reality at bay. There is no evidence that giving information early leads to early experimentation, and, in fact, the reverse is more likely to be true – shrouding sex and relationships in mystery can do more harm than being open and honest with our children. Consider also how your daughter might feel if the other children realise she is sitting out of these lessons.

As girls move through the secondary school years from age 11 onwards these topics are likely to be revisited in an age-appropriate way so that girls are helped to understand the changes in their bodies and their emotions. They need to develop healthy self-esteem and the confidence to resist any negative peer pressure, or pressure they may feel from the way in which sex and relationships are portrayed in the media. They should develop the range of skills they need to make choices and decisions they feel comfortable with at the right time for them. They will learn about contraception, sexually transmitted infections, homosexuality and women’s health issues. Again, talk to your children about what they are learning and how they feel about it. You may well find they are far better informed than you were at the same age.

In summary, good schools and caring parents help to construct a responsible framework within which our sons and daughters will make their own choices and decisions, and, at times, their own mistakes. We know we cannot live their lives for them, but by communicating openly with them and working together with our children’s schools, we can educate them wisely, and nowhere is it more important that we do so than in their learning about happy and healthy relationships.