Why haven’t I got a boyfriend?

If your teenage daughter asks this in a pained voice, what is the best response?
Ask her to think about these questions: When is the right time to marry? To have children? When is the right time to embark on a sexual relationship? Or to share your first kiss?

It may not take long for your daughter to recognise that there is no set timetable. Encourage her to consider that people marry (or they should) when they have met someone they feel they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Can she recognise that couples have children (or they should) because they want to have a family with the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with? Discuss with her the idea that the first kiss, or the first sexual relationship, should happen when both of those involved (and neither bowing to pressure from the other) feels the time is right and this is something both very much wish to do. It isn’t something which can be rushed if it is to be as positive and pleasurable as it should be.

Why do girls feel the pressure to have boyfriends earlier than parents might wish? The problem may be that girls often want to conform. They don’t want to stand out, which can lead to them wanting to wear the same clothes, follow the same music, share the same enthusiasms as their peers. Having a boyfriend can seem like a badge of honour – something those they admire and look up to have, and they want to be in this particular club. They want to prove they’re ‘normal’ – they are as popular and attractive as other girls. It’s also a trend, like following a fashion. It gives them something to talk about to other girls. It adds drama to their lives and it imitates adult behaviour.

Girls are very much interested in relationships of all kinds – they care far more about friendships than boys generally do (which is why fluctuations in friendship patterns can cause them such pain). Moving into the world of boyfriends (and attracting the envy of those who are still outside this magic circle) is important to them. But just as in later life, to be with the wrong partner is not preferable to being alone. Girls need to be helped to see that you start going out with someone because you are strongly mutually attracted (and it has to be mutual) and you want to spend time together. It isn’t a question of first wanting a boyfriend and second seeing who is available who might fit the vacancy.

Girls have to be able to feel sufficiently good about themselves, to value themselves enough, to wait until the time is right. They need to be supported to resist the pressure to measure their popularity according to whether they have a boyfriend or not. Help them to see what you value them for – to appreciate their own quality – and how they owe it to themselves to wait for the right person and the right time. It will be worth it.